I have to confess – I had been working to the point of exhaustion. I have been working till I could not move when I hit the bed, I am dead weight. When I hit my head on a car leather seat, I doze off immediately. I have pushed myself way too hard, in a short time. I forget to eat my meals, I have lost too much weight. Sometimes I don’t even remember my keys, or to order groceries. Sometimes I even forget my name, till someone calls my name. I have been spending ridiculous amounts of hours in front of the mirror to perfect my dance moves. Some days, I am zombified like a walking undead. Emotions don’t seem to penetrate me, they brush past me like the wind.
I am aiming to achieve total mastery over my mind body and soul, but that stage is transient and not permanent. Sometimes I am in the flow, sometimes I am off the grid. Sometimes my mood swings get the better of me. I am, after all, a woman. Sometimes the past attacks my mind, and it fills me with anxiety that my pores are producing cold sweat. Whenever I encounter fights in public, I am filled with dread and an urge to run as far away as possible for safety.
I am fallible. I am human. I make mistakes. I am not perfect. I am not everything, neither, can I be anything.
I am doing all these for an impossible dream, but to dream is better than to not dream. To live in hope is better to live in monotony.
I am way past overdue to go to New York for an extended period of time for the final marathon stretch of my short film production.
My fan funding milestone is not on target as I had been distracted.
I will be self-funding on a low budget for this dream to materialise.
I could almost taste my dreams now.
“It has been my dream from the start of filming The Scarlet Queen in 2012, to eventually make it into a movie to be broadcast to the world. I was limited by resources hence I uploaded a video on YouTube every week. In my dreams and visions, all I see is the grand design of the movie I want to make based on what I had created for The Scarlet Queen. Now, there are over two hundred videos with thousands of minions worldwide. I am dedicating my life in 2018 to turn The Scarlet Queen into a 20-minute short film by elevating my artistry through dancing 20 hours a week, and attending acting classes, working out and keeping to a strict diet. I had lost 7 kg in 2017 in preparation for this role. Your support for my artistry makes it possible for me to pursue my dreams.”
“You may think that I am an elderly woman but when I was a young woman, I used to dance and go out late at night. Men would wait outside my office in big flashy cars to have meals with me. I received countless of marriage proposals. But I declined every single one of them. If I got married, I would have to give up my job and raise kids. Instead, I chose to remain single and ensure my siblings could finish university.
By choosing the option to remain single, I applied for my own flat and prepared to enter an old folks home. I knew no one will look after me in my old age but that was the choice I chose to support my family.
My found my happiness and fortune when I met your grandfather. I married your grandfather when I was 50 years old. Young love comes and goes like the changing songs on the radio. When you find someone you want to spend the remaining years of your life with, it’s a companionship love that grows with time.
Love is like a garden. When you plant a seed and water it daily, the tree grows and bears fruit. Children is a natural by product of blossoming love. When the tree of love no longer bears fruit, it stands through the changing seasons. When love from a relationship magnifies outwards, the world will enjoy its radiance.
My dear granddaughter, my hope is that you will find a companion in your life to experience love, happiness and fulfillment.”
Do you have someone in your life that makes you want to transcend yourself?
That inspires you and elevates you to reach for the stars and beyond?
That supports you and cherishes you in your darkest moments?
That is always there no matter what happens?
The seasons change, yet, the love is constant?
Treasure them, for they are the hidden forces who make you who you are today.
I believe for Ayumi Hamasaki and Jay Chou, their mothers were the person behind their success respectively.
YOU = CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE = CAUSE OF THE MATTER = IKIGAI ZEN MODE
YOU = DISAPPEAR = Your physical self exist in the universe without you being physically alive.
“When you possess great riches within you, seldom are you believed.” The Alchemist
There is a new beginning to every ending.
This year I had lost 7kg in total as part of my preparations to film a self directed 20 min short film next year. I don’t think I am adequately prepared at this point and I don’t think I will ever be fully prepared. But the essence is at least I tried to do something unachievable than let this opportunity pass without a fight.
I had confessed to my best friend that I would rather die in the middle of pursuing my dreams then not having lived my life to the fullest. I would rather trade my short term gratifications such as going on yet another aimless directionless wanderlust to achieve long term results of leaving behind a fraction of the masterpiece I am attempting to bring forth to this world.
I am utilizing my limited time on earth to maximise my returns on investments to ensure I spend the least possible time on each project with the greatest scalability. It’s by no chance, and no luck that I am where I am today. I do not believe in the attribute of luck or fortune. I believe we can powerfully choose and will forces into existence using the focus of our mind.
I may never be rich or famous but at least I lived virtuously and lived my life in accordance to my principles.
Lastly, I had been performing my filial duties to my family and I have no regrets. For death is the only certainty on this temporal journey on earth.
I choose my suffering & my happiness.
I choose myself.
I wrote out my life and eulogy at 18 years old. The most irrational of which was to publish three books before the age of 30. I was young and foolish and needed to prove that I was an author. I spent winter nights in Melbourne working through the night typing on the keyboard till my fingers went numb from the cold as there was no heater in the room. I hated myself every single day for not writing fast enough. But being an author wasn’t about writing books but communicating ideas.
My ideas were lost in the process of hitting daily word count goals. In secret, I worked on short stories but I kept hidden from the world as I was afraid of myself. I was afraid my abilities and I sought to disintegrate my works by writing under different identities. I left all my short stories incomplete and unpublished. But there was one short story that lingered and haunted me.
It was The Scarlet Throne, but even which, I refused to name it it’s real name and called it “The Prince” when I initially published the first three chapters on my blog. The Scarlet Throne trilogy is the real deal and the legacy I will leave behind on earth. I will be working on this project for the next six years. I will be writing next trilogy (The Scarlet Throne) set in a science fiction dystopian post-nuclear holocaust universe with encoded with ideologies from French and Chinese philosophers from Feb 2018 to Feb 2024. The Hourglass Trilogy is available on Amazon.
Releasing a book on virtual space is like releasing an entity to the universal conciousness. It is scary. It’s akin to exposing my soul to the world, it’s worse than exposing myself nude in public. It’s exhibitionistic to the maximum level as it’s not just my body, but my heart and soul is released to the world. I don’t enjoy that particular feeling of being “exposed” or what the french call it, exposé. It’s a rather vunerable emotion. It’s like confessing my love to a secret crush after years of playing hide and seek. It’s like being a child all over again.
Flashback to the memory. I am in the school canteen, sitting alone. A girl comes up to me and tells me she likes me. She uses her belt to hit my arm playfully. She wacks my arm a few times as she gives a sadistic smile on her face. She was in pure delight, that she looks escatically pleased to inflict pain and red bruises on my exposed arm. As a socially awkward almost mute bookworm nerdish kid I was, I let her take control in total silence and obedience. She laughed and said this is how they treated animals. We humans deserve the pain we inflict on others. I could not move and I was rooted on the spot, on the seat. Her words lingered into my conciousnessness and the memory of which became permanently etched in my mind. Ever since then, I inflicted pain on those I loved.
Writing the Hourglass Series has been strangely theraputic. I am rather mixed. I hate and love it. But it would be considered my best work to date in my perspective. However, my best friend had advised me to work on The Scarlet Throne series (based on The Prince working title) to turn it into novel form. I can always continue the Hourglass Series at a later date. The Scarlet Throne would be my magnum opus, he said. I agreed. In fact, the visions of The Scarlet Throne is what penerates my dreams and visions in everything I see and do. It is probably the most soulful work what I will ever bring to fruitation if I start working on it.
I am seriously considering to stay in New York for a few months to work on my writings, attending theater and dance classes. Only by elevating my skills, I could then, elevate my art. I am in contemplation at the moment, but I am afraid of the person I would become as well. My heart calls for me to go forth towards New York and find the best teachers in the artistry I wish to pursue. Yet, I am in fear that I will no longer see myself in the mirror again. Every morning, I wake up nude and look at myself in the full length mirror before weighing myself to check my equilibrium.
I am unsure if I can do the same or start to hate myself all over if I go over to New York. I am afraid of losing myself, losing my mind, losing control. Or will it be the opposite – I will refine and gain more control over my identity through the pursuit of love, beauty and knowledge?
For this, I am at an artistic crossroads. I will be on a two weeks break to find these answers.
A BEAUTIFUL UNDERCOVER AGENT, Jessica, codename Purple Python, is sent to Singapore to prevent the expansion plans of Wilmar Enterprises in Asia under the White Queen’s orders. Jessica identifies the chief financial officer of an equity fund as her key target. Garrett is interested in investing in Wilmar’s Asia Fund and Jessica is tasked with derailing his plans. As Jessica works on getting close to Garrett, she finds herself becoming interested in Garrett for more than his business documents. Jessica engages in an internal tug-of-war as her feelings for Garrett deepen and she begins to question her loyalties. Will she betray the woman who saved her from the streets or will she sacrifice her chance at a soul mate?
Purple Python is a standalone full-length novel part of the HOURGLASS series of corporate espionage undercover femme fatale agents. The series explores about finding one’s identity in the backdrop of capitalism with dominance and submission themes, romance, love and betrayal entwined with undercover spies on a mission to serve the greater good.
Available on Amazon Now: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B076ZFQV8X