Darkness. The all familiar word. I am heading back there again. This time, there is no more light. No more… innocence.
Blood, lust and deceit. That is all it is, in this universe of pain. The universe of pain mangled with twisted pleasures. For only through pain, one can feel the gratification of pleasure. They are one and the same. There is no answers to the lies, they are deceit. The lies he said, the happy ever after. The knight in white amour. No, there are no knights that are going to save me anymore. No saviours. No gods. No nothing.
I am falling deeper.
How deep, I could not tell, but this hole is so deep that it’s never ending, like a sink hole. One can never crawl out of.
Just falling even more deeper.
Into the swirling twirls of a hypnosis chanting of inaudible words. My cries, drowned out by the chanting, my thoughts, replaced by a void. The possession are chanting in riddles, but in these riddles, there is no sense of meaning in them. Just a trance, a trance like state. A toy. That’s what he was making me into, a toy… for his pleasure.
…was my new name.
It wasn’t Cheryl, or Risque. I was just an object. And if I had to refer to myself, there is no I.
There is only Master.
His object of pleasure.
He could lift me up by my arm, like a puppet on strings. He could move me when he pleases, and I can’t move an inch. He can make me do all his bidding, and I can’t make a sound. Just a toy. Master’s Toy. A toy that he can keep in his safe. A toy that he can play with when he is bored. A toy that he can discard when he doesn’t want it anymore.
A Master’s Toy is not allowed to think. It’s just an object. It has no thoughts. It cannot move. It’s immobile. It cannot speak. It is just a toy.
I had fallen.
Would be the best words to describe my current state.
Is having three calenders living out different identities normal?
Humans have many different levels of needs, maybe I am experiencing and fulfilling them all in different ways to serve my ego. The self actualisation need is why I continue writing on this virtual blog space. The sense to reorganize and re-control what is the foundational core of my base personality.
On my butterfly wings, are the many projects I concurrently run simultaneously. Not alone of course, I have to engage the help of vendors, supporting cast, to get the acts together to near the projects completion. My mind, is an architect mind indeed. I don’t know how to describe it but in my visions I am creating new realities like no other, in my dreams, in my visions in the things I do, each day, I try to bring it forth to reality.
That is the ultimate creator mode that I aspire to achieve but sometimes I fall and don’t get my bearings right, and everything clutters up like squeeze balls. Too much traveling has became detrimental to my organizational skills, I need to slow down on my wanderlust aspect.
Knowing I have people dependent on my performance, and consumers waiting to buy my creations keep me going. But sometimes I feel time is running faster than I can run against it. I try to do everything I can really fast, and outsource everything I can possibly outsource. But sometimes when it comes down to it, I have to do the most important, crucial tasks. And the responsibility gear shifts to gear four. It gets very stressful when the bottom line hits, and everything is all about results.
The results, is usually calculated by numbers. How many people are viewing, subscribing, consuming, buying. How many clients are satisfied. How many viewers are dreaming about your creations. The overall impact of the artist architect creations is the sum of how successful he has achieved his aim.
In reality, I would like more monetary resources to get more acts come together. For example, I envision filming a full length movie about The Scarlet Queen. I also envision a team working behind my Red Hourglass series. At the same time, I still do consultancy work. I enjoy it. no doubt. Maybe my mind is just meant to run on multiple tracks, and not one track.
Maybe I am finally living out my fullest potienial.
And instead of living the shadow life, I am living the professional life.
Turning Pro. Best book ever on finding one’s calling. I highly recommend it.
Sometimes waking up completely hating myself, in this self sabotage mess. They say the artist and architect are one and the same. The addict and artist, they are paradoxes. I am addicted to my emotions, but sometimes they do not serve me. They go haywire and threaten to undo all that is done. It drives my thoughts wild with illogical faculties.
Maybe I am just pushing myself too hard.
Or the traveling is starting to cause my fatigue.
Maybe I am doing too much in a short span of time.
I can feel my aliveness and deadness at the same time, my push and pull. My swings. They consume and eat me. I am a fcked switch. Light or darkness, I don’t know. They are eating eating eating, working working working, fcking fcking fcking. They are driving me mad!
Hong Kong is increasingly making me moody except for the fact that Milk Tea exists. I hate Hong Kong. I gota admit it’s not the best place for an introvert. No space, stuffy rooms, locked windows. Screaming kids, blaring advertisements. Snacks, consume, Buy, advertisements, MORE. Spend it all.
Get me out of here. I need some oxygen, I need to feel inspiration. The creativity, the life. It is all missing. I am being suffocated by fifty stories high buildings on all directions. The skies are not lighted by stars but golden windows. Those golden windows, eating up the earth resources.
But time kills, and time erases… time… is the real enemy.
Our time is running out.
I predict that Google Plus will take over Facebook and Twitter in the next five years. The reasons are simple, Google has managed to integrate YouTube into Google +. They also have Google Apps for Entreprises. Most users have migrated over to gmail.
Facebook is getting too incestuous for my liking, too personal. The updates that appear on the front page are always the same old people that I like and follow the most. But the content is hardly new, and quickly gets dull. There is only so much pictures of food you can see your friend selfie with before you want click the “unfollow” button, worse off… UNFRIEND!
The great thing about Google + is that it allows you to maintain that distance and yet associate with others at the same time. The initial launch of Google + was a failure. But over time, from user feedback and improvements, I can see the changes taking place.
Now, I receive notifications on comments on my YouTube channel, and furthermore I receive notifications on comments I make on other people’s channel. This effectively replaces forums. The good old days of static forum boards are going to be long over. The social interaction of YouTube and Google + is pretty darn powerful I must say. Google is keen on taking over the human minds through it’s subtle uses of human feedback loop psychology.
YouTube auto announces to Google + and Facebook once a video is uploaded, effectively engaging fans in an instant. Such power. I wonder how enterprises will keep up with these technological changes, which being implemented faster than we can actually learn them.
For now, I am quite content to stay on Google suite of services. I also found Google Keep very useful for keeping multiple to do list on the go with my laptop and phone. The Google Inbox looks like an internal facebook on email right now. Google only keeps getting better.
A strange vision appeared in my dreams…
In my dream, I was in a tiny cocoon, surrounded by many other cocoons like me, in a lush tropical forest. They were breathing in their enclosed white silk shells.
When I woke up… I only saw darkness in all directions. I felt a cloth around my head, around my ears. I felt my hands, that hung upwards with metal chains encasing my wrists. My knees were numb from the kneeling. The air smelt of decomposing meat. The laughter and voices echoed through the caverns, day after day, even in my sleep.
Everyday, the monsters would come… and if I tried to struggle free from the chains, I would be greeted with sharp slashes of whips on my back.. till I could no longer move. It must have been years. But every night I dreamt I was in that tiny cocoon. Soon.. I gave up struggling. I gave up all hope. All… light… was removed from my blinded visions. Only the voices of mocking laughter remained.
One day I heard a familiar voice. It was the deep voice of the Dark Lord.
“My little crimson princess…” His breath caressed the open wounds on my skin, “have you been broken?”
“I don’t understand,” I answered. I listened to his footsteps, he was circling me, where I was… hanging naked.. kneeling on the cavern floor.
“You must be broken… for my desires…” he whispered to my ear… sending a wave of sensations down my spine…
“Whip her, continue.”
The monsters came again… this time… they were merciless. The whips came in full force… on my back.. on my legs… on my chest… every inch of my flesh was whipped by those thick long whips that crackled through the caverns in a howling cry.
It was the pain that shot through my head, then it was the numbness… then it all went blank… as I drifted into my dream again..
A little cocoon.. in a lush tropical forest…
The sound of glorious trumpets echoed in the clouds as I walked on the red carpeted steps, towards a scarlet throne that hung mid in the skies. My royal red gown splattered with patches of dark blood. Intricate weaving of black lace flowed from the sleeves of the gown to the end of my palms… adorned and hid the scars on my arms.
I dragged a long broad sword up the steps. I wasn’t breathing normally. My chest was moving with the pulsing eccentric beat of my heart, but it was irregular. Sometimes I breathed, sometimes I didn’t. I climbed up the steps slowly, sometimes stopping to breathe… sometimes glancing up at the scarlet throne… which hung empty in mid air.
Moments before… I was in the cavern in the depths of hell… deep inside the earth where molten and smoke mixed and mingled into a smoky blind mess.
Once upon a time…
My Scarlet Kingdom was a lovely place of love and hope. Our emblem was the red rose. Our people, were kind and gentle. We were self sufficient, depending on a sustenance of vegetables. We ate no meat, and we did not go to wars. We were a peaceful race. Simple folk that looked forward to rainbow skies after the rain. Our kingdom was known as the Kingdom of Love.
The Scarlet Throne was occupied by my grandmother, who had ruled the kingdom for eternity. She built the kingdom with a foundation of unconditional love. She gave freely, built orphanages and charities. She taxed the rich, and made them volunteer for a humble cause. She made sure that there were checks and balances, so no one had to suffer. There was abundance. There is enough. Our kingdom was glorious, and it was plentiful.
The Scarlet Throne was only passed down through a matriarchal line of female rulers. I knew one day, it would be my turn. I followed my grandmother wherever she went. I learnt her wisdom, her philosophy… her thoughts… till the day I turned sixteen.
On my sixteen birthday, a grand ball was organized… invites were sent to eligible princes throughout the galaxy. They came in floating carriages, in floating ships, in floating cars… they descended on the Scarlet Kingdom for the hand of the Princess.
It was on that fateful night on the dance floor… I met the Dark Lord.
He told me… he will bring me into his dark paradise… into a world where love and lust… pain and pleasure are one. A world where we can unite our kingdoms and take over the universe in our light and darkness.
He took me inside his cape, as he muffled my screams by forcing a vital of poison down my throat…. I remembered being transported in his floating carriage.. unable to move…
Into the dark caverns of his kingdom… where monsters lurked. I was chained up in the middle of the cavern… fully naked. I heard the sounds of laughter in the dark. I heard mocking whispers. I heard voices. I heard but could not see.
On my naked flesh, every night… I felt long tongues tightening my arms and legs… the rope like tongues… leaving traces of their sticky saliva… the foul smell of decomposed meat… they tasted me… they bit me… they ravaged my body… leaving scars… leaving marks… permanently… on my skin.
The Dark Lord never came back. He disappeared… as he left me there… as his chained prisoner. In my dreams I dreamt… a White Knight would rescue me from this hellish cavern and bring me back into his Kingdom of Light. On other nights, I sank deeper into a black hole… being sucked deeper and deeper no matter how much I tried to struggle free…
Till one day… a strange vision appeared in my dreams….
<to be continued>
To go towards the light.
To hope once again.
To have a happy ever after.
Mask my skin with your words
Till I am no longer human
But a cocoon of your desires
My metamorphosis is
incomplete without that
painted wings I can’t fly
You are Averral, a wonderful, artistic, passionate, beautiful poet and a young woman who is making her way in the world.