A strange vision appeared in my dreams…
In my dream, I was in a tiny cocoon, surrounded by many other cocoons like me, in a lush tropical forest. They were breathing in their enclosed white silk shells.
When I woke up… I only saw darkness in all directions. I felt a cloth around my head, around my ears. I felt my hands, that hung upwards with metal chains encasing my wrists. My knees were numb from the kneeling. The air smelt of decomposing meat. The laughter and voices echoed through the caverns, day after day, even in my sleep.
Everyday, the monsters would come… and if I tried to struggle free from the chains, I would be greeted with sharp slashes of whips on my back.. till I could no longer move. It must have been years. But every night I dreamt I was in that tiny cocoon. Soon.. I gave up struggling. I gave up all hope. All… light… was removed from my blinded visions. Only the voices of mocking laughter remained.
One day I heard a familiar voice. It was the deep voice of the Dark Lord.
“My little crimson princess…” His breath caressed the open wounds on my skin, “have you been broken?”
“I don’t understand,” I answered. I listened to his footsteps, he was circling me, where I was… hanging naked.. kneeling on the cavern floor.
“You must be broken… for my desires…” he whispered to my ear… sending a wave of sensations down my spine…
“Whip her, continue.”
The monsters came again… this time… they were merciless. The whips came in full force… on my back.. on my legs… on my chest… every inch of my flesh was whipped by those thick long whips that crackled through the caverns in a howling cry.
It was the pain that shot through my head, then it was the numbness… then it all went blank… as I drifted into my dream again..
A little cocoon.. in a lush tropical forest…
The sound of glorious trumpets echoed in the clouds as I walked on the red carpeted steps, towards a scarlet throne that hung mid in the skies. My royal red gown splattered with patches of dark blood. Intricate weaving of black lace flowed from the sleeves of the gown to the end of my palms… adorned and hid the scars on my arms.
I dragged a long broad sword up the steps. I wasn’t breathing normally. My chest was moving with the pulsing eccentric beat of my heart, but it was irregular. Sometimes I breathed, sometimes I didn’t. I climbed up the steps slowly, sometimes stopping to breathe… sometimes glancing up at the scarlet throne… which hung empty in mid air.
Moments before… I was in the cavern in the depths of hell… deep inside the earth where molten and smoke mixed and mingled into a smoky blind mess.
Once upon a time…
My Scarlet Kingdom was a lovely place of love and hope. Our emblem was the red rose. Our people, were kind and gentle. We were self sufficient, depending on a sustenance of vegetables. We ate no meat, and we did not go to wars. We were a peaceful race. Simple folk that looked forward to rainbow skies after the rain. Our kingdom was known as the Kingdom of Love.
The Scarlet Throne was occupied by my grandmother, who had ruled the kingdom for eternity. She built the kingdom with a foundation of unconditional love. She gave freely, built orphanages and charities. She taxed the rich, and made them volunteer for a humble cause. She made sure that there were checks and balances, so no one had to suffer. There was abundance. There is enough. Our kingdom was glorious, and it was plentiful.
The Scarlet Throne was only passed down through a matriarchal line of female rulers. I knew one day, it would be my turn. I followed my grandmother wherever she went. I learnt her wisdom, her philosophy… her thoughts… till the day I turned sixteen.
On my sixteen birthday, a grand ball was organized… invites were sent to eligible princes throughout the galaxy. They came in floating carriages, in floating ships, in floating cars… they descended on the Scarlet Kingdom for the hand of the Princess.
It was on that fateful night on the dance floor… I met the Dark Lord.
He told me… he will bring me into his dark paradise… into a world where love and lust… pain and pleasure are one. A world where we can unite our kingdoms and take over the universe in our light and darkness.
He took me inside his cape, as he muffled my screams by forcing a vital of poison down my throat…. I remembered being transported in his floating carriage.. unable to move…
Into the dark caverns of his kingdom… where monsters lurked. I was chained up in the middle of the cavern… fully naked. I heard the sounds of laughter in the dark. I heard mocking whispers. I heard voices. I heard but could not see.
On my naked flesh, every night… I felt long tongues tightening my arms and legs… the rope like tongues… leaving traces of their sticky saliva… the foul smell of decomposed meat… they tasted me… they bit me… they ravaged my body… leaving scars… leaving marks… permanently… on my skin.
The Dark Lord never came back. He disappeared… as he left me there… as his chained prisoner. In my dreams I dreamt… a White Knight would rescue me from this hellish cavern and bring me back into his Kingdom of Light. On other nights, I sank deeper into a black hole… being sucked deeper and deeper no matter how much I tried to struggle free…
Till one day… a strange vision appeared in my dreams….
<to be continued>
To go towards the light.
To hope once again.
To have a happy ever after.
Mask my skin with your words
Till I am no longer human
But a cocoon of your desires
My metamorphosis is
incomplete without that
painted wings I can’t fly
You are Averral, a wonderful, artistic, passionate, beautiful poet and a young woman who is making her way in the world.
You name is what is left on every part of my naked skin in red ink.
When I wake up, I see nothing but your name all over my arms and legs.
I will be constantly reminded that I belong to no one but you.
It’s beautiful isn’t it. Your name, all over my flesh. Like a mask, it conceals my flesh in body art. The intricate cravings of the letters of your name on my flesh. In my ultimate submission towards you and only you.
In the mirror,
there is no me.
There is only you.
The true Master.
The Master of my desires.
I screamed your name in my dreams.
Take me, into your dark paradise.
Don’t turn back.
Just take me under your cape and let me serve
Under your soles
Tear my soul apart with your unrealistic demands
Take me as your captive
Mutilate me with your name
I am yours Master. I am yours Master. I am yours Master. I am yours Master.
Over my useless body…
Tattoo my skin in red and tear my soul apart.
I am only yours in your cage of freedom.
Why do I feel alive when you chastise me with that mixture of hate and love? That pity and admiration. That twisted look in your eyes.
I can’t help but fall deeper into you…
A self pitying crap I am
Fucked up in the head
I am nothing but nothing
Sometimes I sing a song
To the vast ocean
No one hears it.
I am blinded by my own delusions
I want to touch the stars
But I fall hard onto reality
I am nothing but nothing.
I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty’s not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart…
Muse – Undisclosed Desires
My desires had been reconciled.
I had found my voice.
I had found my soul.
And all I have to do now.
My prerogative. My narrative. My words.
Of course no one can take these away from me, my thoughts are my own. I can write whatever I want, and get away with it. It shouldn’t please anyone, nor it is for anybody, except for myself. I write for myself. My own sanity. I write because I am born to do it, like how a baby learns to crawl on their own. It’s a natural instinct.
The moment I have to write for others, is the moment I am killing my own desire to write for my own, innate desire to create, and explore, the themes in life that interests me.
Like how I film my videos, I do them because I like doing them. I don’t want to do certain things unless I feel in the mood to do it. I determine what I want.
The viewers can only watch.
The viewers can only read.
This is what being an artist entrepreneur is about.
Yup, these two roles are very well defined. I had chosen to create, and to consume for the sake to create more. I no longer find pleasure in consuming. I only find pleasure in my own creations, my own worlds… in my own fantasy.
I am becoming one with my vision in the pursuit of love and freedom.
I can feel it close, but sometimes, it burns me like the sun, when I get too close. And I fall.
Falling is part of creation.
Failure is just another reason to try harder.
I know I will reach there —- eventually.
I just have to keep trying, failing, trying…
And soon, you will see my grand design.