The Scarlet Queen

The memory of the chase of the wind is fresh
The events that unfolded has come to an endIt was a disillusionment on my part
I have accepted reality for what it is

There is no me, only you.

Conversation about Freedom

I realised that the more powerful a concept or idea, the more resistance is against it. In fact, the most powerful ideas have the most powerful resistance. However, once we overcome the resistance, true freedom lies on the other side.

Every creator faces the resistance everyday. For me, my resistance is not to get out of bed and fall into a dreamless sleep and not wake up. Honestly, it takes me so much effort to get out of bed because my dreams are more beautiful than reality.

When I am confronted with the society and construct I live in, I fall into a deep depressive state. In true honesty, I hate my life. I hate myself as a chinese female. I hate everything I had accomplished and I had done. I hate myself in the mirror. I only live to make life better. I want to translate what I see  in my dreams into the reality of the construct I live in.

In my dreams, humans of all races are wearing fetish gear and frolicking under the sun by rainbow rivers. There are angels and fairies. Animals live along side with humans. Humans had evolved to have no more dependence on monetary or materialistic needs. They only live to create art and partake in the quiet and simple pleasures of life by spending time with one another. This is my ideal of the world and this is what I want to create.

Hence the greatest resistance to myself is not to do anything or change the environment. This is the greatest evil, the Dark Force, whatever it is called. I have chosen to no longer give the resistance control over my life. The construct we live in is created by the power of language, and words are the medium. If we can create new ideas through words, we can potentially change the way we live. There can be an end to wars and suffering.

As such I had chosen to create my ideal version of the world into my current reality by taking steps to make it possible. Starting my Youtube channel was one of my moves, writing my novels was the next, writing this blog is also an act of propagating my visions. Everyone is entitled to their own visions. Other creators would like to create a MacDonalds or Starbucks. For me, I would like to create the Scarlet Queen to exist in this world. That’s my ultimate dream, and my ultimate reality that I want to conjoin as one.

This is freedom.

Scarlet Queen – One Million Views on YouTube

Scarlet Queen Channel

A minion wrote to me and asked me to be more of an egoist. He said pain is not worth suffering for others. Well, I would have to say looking at analytics like that makes me very egoistic that I will approach one million YouTube views by the end of this month. For a solo production with elements of theater, dance and storylines it’s one of my milestones in life in line with the publication of Red Hourglass. I do not know anyone who is doing what I do and that makes me feel special. Most actors are hired by directors and never become directors of the play they are in. I climbed the steps from a flower girl to lead actress, continuing to my own YouTube channel production using the sheer will of my imagination. My artistry is what I wanted to do in my life so badly or I will feel dead inside. I am happy at my personal results and I am open for collaboration opportunities in near future.

Scarlet Queen

Scarlet Queen

Combining a primary art form (writing) with a secondary art form (dance and acting), is what I am attempting to create at the The Scarlet Queen? Channel. With literary references to contemporary fiction and characters. Its a sad solo journey. The beautiful images in my mind are what I would like to create as visuals on my upcoming series. Sometimes the way to deal with our traumatic experiences is to recreate it into a new medium of art.

When I am daydreaming, I am acting out the fantasies in my mind.

The Scarlet Queen (Poem)

Dancing till a certain death.
A dance of exhaustion
Till I physically give in the devil
And my mind to ceases to no longer think

For each song and rhythm
I do it all for you
For all the pain and sorrow
I feel it all for you

This painful unrequited love
Is dying and numbing
I dance my days away
waiting for you

In my dreams I see you
When I wake up
You are no longer there

Sometimes living is easier with eyes closed. Because my dreams are happier than reality. In my dreams we are together, and it is beautiful. When I wake up… you are no longer there.

But far away, where I can’t reach you
I tried to find you behind the looking glass where I can be with you once more
But I am in eternal hell
A hellish place where the scarlet queen lives

She conquers kings of kings
and denches fortresses with the blood of the fallen
She might decide to take you
if you don’t save me soon.

Risque and Her Bandaged Wrists – Day 22 24 26

I have recurring pain on both my wrists due to rheumatism. On the day I had to be Risque, I went for Chinese acupuncture.

The experience was terrifying.

The Sensei (chinese doctor) inserted needles into both my wrists and veins in my arms. The part when she inserted the needles into my veins were the most painful. I screamed in pain a few times, it was the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced in my life. I almost teared. Nothing beats the pain of having needles stuck into veins. Using some techniques I learnt in NLP (neurolinguistic reprogramming) to deal with the pain, I imagined being on the shoulder of a White Knight while she stuck those needles into my arms. It was that moment, I finally understood the meaning of pleasure and pain. Haha. I thought I knew it all along, but having to deal with needles, electric currents and veins.. gave a new dimension of pain itself. The impact was cushioned when I imagined I was on the beach… hearing the sound of waves while lying on the shoulder of someone who genuinely cares for me, this is pleasure for me in its purest form.

My dad was very upset that I had to go through this pain. He said he will bring me back for weekly acupuncture sessions till the pain is gone. Which I hope, and I am glad I have such a supportive dad. After the acupuncture, I had to film Risque episodes.

You know… Episode 22, 24 and 26 for Risque were the hardest for me. With both wrists bandaged, and the feel of extreme pain… internally and externally… plus the psychological mindset of being a sick twisted psychotic villain… wow. I can’t believe I did her scenes. I don’t think I had laughed so much in my life from genuine pain in my heart. When I am in pain, I either laugh or cry… crying results in screaming… laughing… results in insanity.

After filming her episodes, I spent the next two days mostly sleeping the pain away. Of course, I had a ready supply of chocolates, panadol and drank coffee like no tomorrow. These are the only three healthy ways I can numb the pain without having to resort to harmful drugs or other high risk activities. If I had a choice, I would choose a hug. A real hug, from a friend, a stranger, whoever. I just need a hug. It is the best cure for my soul.

I am feeling better today, because the pain has subsided, I am still wearing my wrist guards, but I am cutting down on coffee and chocolates because I think I did gain weight over the sleep-eat-pain period. I am well now, and I hope to resume to dance. I just have to remember to avoid cold drinks, cold weather and cold people.

I felt the pain when laughing

This is probably the most explicit scene for Risque