With permission, I am publishing my replies to an email I received from a fan. My replies are in blockquotes:
I read your recent blog entries and felt compelled to reach out to you. I’m not writing to Risque, and I’m not writing as the fetishist who wrote the worship story for Risque and lusts for her legs. That’s a small piece of me that I keep very safely hidden away from the real world. I use that identity as therapy for managing the painful pieces of my life, as traditional therapy would not work for someone like me, nor do I hide from reality with drugs or alcohol.
When I started my YouTube Channel, I was quite a confused switch, but I discovered myself through the process that I am both sides of the equation and that I am one – the one and only Scarlet Queen. I am glad you found yourself in my master artwork.
I just wanted to let you know that your artistry brought that side out of me (even if nobody in my real life knows about that side) and helped me get through a particularly difficult period. I want to thank you for that. But more importantly, I just wanted to express my opinion about what might be your purpose as an artist, as I sense your struggle. I think your purpose is to create awareness that expressing traditionally taboo sexuality can benefit society, not corrupt it (provided it is always safe, sane and consensual).
Precisely, the French philisophers had done that in the Age of Enlightenment. Although Marquis De Sade wrote numerous erotic taboo books and was almost guillotined for that, he was an accomplished philisopher and politician. In Ancient China, I believe sexuality and erotic art was much more open and mainstream than before the communist took over. There are many instances in history that there were periods of libertine and enjoyment of sexuality, compared to conversative times now where there is a heavy reliance on porn and fantasy instead of pursuing healthly, loving deep relationships.
I learned that term when I was researching my worship story. I knew nothing about BDSM and thought it was only for perverts and deviants (based on religious teachings and how I was raised). But with a little bit of research I learned that it can be a healthy expression of repressed feelings that can be practiced by otherwise “normal” people, not just drug addicts or degenerates (full disclosure… BDSM has become a bit of a fantasy for me, but I still have not crossed the line to try it). You are spreading your word through your platforms, in an unconventional way. Maybe your way will only really touch 10 or 100 people, or maybe it will grow to influence millions. And maybe you influence on others will be very different than your influence on me.
As long it touches one person, it doesn’t matter to me if it touches millions or billions. I believe my work will transcend time and space in the grand scale of the universe. If you watch Cloud Atlas the movie, you will realise the musician composed a score and committed suicide soon after. No one heard of the score till centuries later and the musical score sparked a rebellion.
I don’t understand the full meaning and purpose of your artistry, as I am really one of those business school educated people and interpreting art is the last thing I’d be qualified to do. But my one observation is that in today’s world you can’t just preach to people and expect to be heard, you need to compete with the glitz and glamor and instant gratification easily accessible in today’s world to get attention, and then if you get that attention you can use it to subtly make your point and influence people about your deeper purpose.
There is no purpose in my art except to inspire others like yourself to discover who you are. And move the society towards openness in regards to sexuality.
So my “business school” advice for you is twofold. First, your YouTube channel creates your attention. To expand your viewership, you might want to do a bit more to make it go viral. I’m not suggesting nudity or porn or anything like that, and I’m no artist so I don’t even have.a good suggestion, but I suspect you have it in you to create something edgier in your videos and maybe even your books. Second, far be it from me to presume to know what your ultimate purpose is, but once you have that bigger audience, I trust that you will be able to open minds and if nothing else educate people and move the dial towards a healthier, more respectful, less judgmental society.
With 2.7 million views and counting, I regard my channel a success on it’s own right and I am satisfied at the artistic progress I am making, as well as in my personal development in discovering who I am. In the process, it is educating others to accept their sexuality and who they are, despite social norms and constraints.
That’s how I see you making a difference. Maybe I’m completely out to lunch, and I don’t usually like to give advice to people, but I thought I would share just in case any small part of this resonates with you and sparks a creative idea or even just helps you get through a tough period like you helped me. And if it doesn’t resonate with you, I’ll have no hard feelings if you just delete this and dismiss me as a potentially nutty fan who doesn’t know or understand the real you, and just wants to interact with your sexy on screen persona (I can’t deny there is some truth in that, but promise that’s not my motivation for this particular note). Either way, sorry for the long note, thanks for reading this far, and best of luck on achieving all your goals Averral.
You are welcome, thank you for supporting my artistry.
To act as the Scarlet Queen, I have to bring forward my full self-realization and actualization of who I am as a human being. By acting as The Scarlet Queen it has somehow elevated everything else in my life to an entirely new way of being and acting that I have never done before previously. I am alert, present and sharp. My productivity is skywards. There is a calling forth a way of being that never existed previously. If anything at all, it is my source of personal power to be The Scarlet Queen as herself.
My default nature in my ordinary real life self is to be reserved and quiet. I am naturally cheerful and upbeat about life. To get out of character in the past when Risque got too much into me, I had to watch comedy. But now, I had learnt how to go in and out of character so much that it doesn’t really affect the next thing I do. I still write my book on filming days. I still conduct my daily interactions with people and I am on the phone and meeting people often.
I don’t know if any actor would challenge himself to act in a production all by himself consistently for years. A normal theatre production runs one season and that’s the end if it doesn’t have a following. But thankfully I have a great fan following that makes my production possible to explore and discover different aspects of myself via my roles and emotional spectrum. I bring out my feelings and personal experience into every performance. The communication I convey is to be confident and self-accepting of oneself and to be true to your desires. Although the story leans towards BDSM content as that’s my natural self-expression of who I am – it is just the way it is and I am not trying to hide it.
A defining moment in my life was when I watched Cool Devices, a hentai anime with perverse scenes that has shaped my sexuality for the years to come. Saki in Operation 05 and 06 was pretty much what I related to. For years I tried to pretend I am vanilla in university and kept every aspect of my kinkiness under the radar. What happens when you suppress sexuality? It comes out even more. As of now it is pretty much apparent and unleashed in my creativity and I don’t hold back what I want to enact in reality, moving from the realm of fantasy. There are probably millions out there who feel the same way but lead ordinary vanilla lives without exploring the deepest darkest aspects of who they are. But I chose to go into the darkness and back into the light to accept the way I am. Social norms no longer hold any boundaries or constraints in my exploration. After all, we only lead one life on earth. Without exploring our boundaries, how would we know what are our limits or who we truly are?
The Scarlet Queen Series is about exploring our identity, our sexuality, our desires, and our deepest wants. The journey the Scarlet Queen takes the viewers through is to accept oneself and their desires without questioning about what is right or wrong, what is accepted or not accepted, but it is what it is and we should embrace our dualities.
The biggest contribution Shakespeare made to the literature world is the Three Act Structure. It is fundamental to the plot of any narrative piece. The Three Act Structure mirrors real life. However, the fundamental difference that in real life, most people only arrive at a state of False Victory, the end of Act 2. They never have the courage to move to Act 3, to explore what is the Real Victory. The real ending.
In the movie, A Perfect Man, an aspiring writer who works as a cleaner falls in love with a university professor. He is tasked to clean out an old dead man apartment. He finds a finished manuscript written by the reclusive man about his biography on the Algerian war. He takes the manuscript, types it out in his computer and burns the hard copy. He sends the manuscript to a publishing house, and he receives a call to sign a contract. He starts rehearsing how to answer interview questions by the press by following identically to what other famous writers say through videos on YouTube. The university professor turns up at his book launch, she is impressed by his book. They start dating.
This is a false victory. He got the fame, he got the book published, he got the girl he liked. But all these are false because he never wrote the book. He was an imposter. In real life, we see many imposters like him. There are people like Paris Hilton who are famous when they have absolutely no talents. We have CEOs who hog the limelight when all they do is destroy the environment to increase corporate profits. We know an imposter when we see one. They are everywhere around us. Most people live in false victories, in imposed lives.
For a second, I was about to give up and disappear as you fell into your false victory. I did not know how to explain this in a format that made sense to you. I just couldn’t bear to see that happen to you. I am sorry, I freaked out. I should have stayed calm and try to explain it in a logical fashion that I meant. It was devastating to me as I see it so clearly that you are falling into the false victory.
There is nothing wrong with living in this mode like 99% of the others out there living out imposter lives. They work as a journalist when all they want to do is to write a novel. They work as lawyers but under the desks are half-completed manuscripts. They know who they love, but due to a parental objection, they give up on love.
Living life in the 1% is extremely hard. Moving from the false victory to the real victory is difficult and not achievable for most people. I had lived my shadow life writing business reports for years when all I want to do in my life to write my books and communicate my artistic ideas. Till today, I face the daily opposition of self-doubt of my own abilities.
What happened at the end of the movie, A Perfect Man was tragic. A friend of the old dead man threatened to blackmail the imposed to the press that he wasn’t the real author of the war biography. The author killed the blackmailer. He killed his brother in law who suspected he was an imposter.
Ridden with guilt and unable to produce the sequel to the war biography as publishers were haunting him daily for the next book, he placed the dead body of the blackmailer on his car seat and set it in flames. The next day, the newspapers reported that the famous author was dead, mistaking the blackmailer body for his. His girlfriend was pregnant and devastated.
At the ending scene, the writer lived a vagabond life without an identity working in ad-hoc jobs that paid in cash. He walked past a bookstore and saw his girlfriend. She was reading aloud the rejected manuscript that was originally what he wrote as an aspiring author. The audience gave a round of applause. A baby was handed to her arms. It was their child. She kissed the baby while looking at the clapping crowd. The rejected manuscript he originally wrote is now displayed prominently on the front display of the bookstore.
He wore his hood and disappeared into the darkness of the night.
Chinese love stories mostly end in tragedy. Such is the nature and taboo of romantic love in Ancient China, that it is elusive and not attainable by mortals and belonged to the realm of fantasy and one has to be prepared to face death in the face of love. This is a recurring theme in classical love stories originating from Ancient China. Couples did not choose their marriage partners but they are matched by their parents based on social class and debt payment.
In The Fox Lover Movie, the debt payment marriage was arranged for the magistrate son. The magistrate had saved a fox in the woods, who happens to be the mother spirit fox of nine lovely daughter foxes and one earthly girl. The son could choose any girl that he liked. however, he is mentally handicapped after suffering from an illness. He chooses all the girls blindly. The mother fox said he could only choose one girl, and if he can’t make a choice, she will fly a kite to the girls and the girl who catches the kite will be the one who he will marry. The kite landed on the most mischevious daughter called Willow. She refuses to marry an idiot and wants to seek true love, but it is the wish of her mother that she does.
The movie proceeds to go through the levels of love, by exploring the nature of what true love is about.
Level 1 – Obligatory Love
The first scene is obligatory love one’s parents wishes, that the magistrate son marries Willow. However, Willow opposes the match, wanting to seek true undying love and is willing to die for love instead of marrying an idiot. She attempts to commit suicide after a humiliating realisation that the magistrate son could not tell the difference if he loved her sisters or her. Willow is stopped by her mother.
Level 2 – Sisterly Love
Ling, Willow’s sister sees Willow’s plight and would want to take her place as the bride to the son. Ling tells Willow that she would marry the son because it serves two purpose – to appease their mother’s wishes and to save mankind once the marriage is consummated and the son’s inner powers will be unleashed. She would marry sacrifice herself to save people’s lives, and make things right. Willow does not agree to Ling’s proposal and walks away. Willow tries to sacrifice herself instead to consummate the marriage with the son. Willow and the magistrate son enters the bedchamber. They remove their clothes but she tricks him into believing that consummation is about watching the clouds and rain. They fail to consummate the marriage.
Level 3 – Motherly Love
The fox mother upon seeing Willow being so upset about the forced marriage agrees to get a legendary physician to heal the magistrate son ailment so he can make a wise decision on who he wants to marry. Once he regains consciousnesses and restores his mental capacity, he will choose another bride from the remaining girls. Willow should not attend the choosing of bride ceremony. Willow is overjoyed and thanks her mother profusely.
Level 4 – Infatuation Love
The magistrate son talks about Willow in his sleep. When Ling tries to seduce the son into sleeping with her, the son says no, he loves Willow and will only enter the bedchamber with her. Ling is moved and touched, and shares this with Willow, that the son, although appearing as an idiot, truly loves Willow only. Willow has a change of heart towards the magistrate son.
Level 5 – Kindred Love
The demon returns to kill the magistrate’s son after receiving news that the son has superpowers that will be unlocked once he consummates a marriage. Although Willow failed to consummate with the magistrate’s son, they merge powers together and fend off the demon. This is a kind of kindred friendship love, that friends would do for each other but it is still not at the level of true love – which is what Willow wants.
Level 6 – Foolish Love
The magistrate’s son and Willow fall unconscious after the demon attack. The physician rescues the both of them. The physician proposes that Willow fuses her 1000-year-old fox spirit with the magistrate’s son so that he will wake up in one day, instead of one year. There are villagers dying daily from the demon’s demands for fresh victims. Willow agrees to the fusion. The physician warns that Willow will lose her memory and become foolish, so foolish that she will not remember her name. Willow is not deterred. She says this is what she wants to do, and even if it means dying for him, she is willing to do so for love. The physician executes the fusion. Willow will only have 14 hours of consciousness before losing her memory. She says that’s enough for her.
Level 7 – Sacrificial Love
The son wakes up fully conscious and mentally sound from the coma and is given the choice to choose a bride again. This time he chooses Ling, but upon smelling Willow, he remembers her from the past. He chooses to marry Willow. A fairy visits Willow and advises her that he needs to marry an earthly girl to unleash his powers, and being with a fox spirit will not do that. Willow decides to give him up completely to Ling. Willow tells Ling that she is losing her mind, that her mind is blank and empty. Please marry him for me, please replace me and please love him. Ling is moved and touched. She cries and smiles at the same time in agreement. Willow does a dance of love while Ling consummates the marriage with the son.
Level 8 – True Love
The demon attacks the foxes hide out while the marriage was being consummated. The fox daughters defend the territory but they perish one by one. The demons were too strong and they could not fend off their attack. Willow stumbles and falls after being hit. The son emerges from the bedchamber with superpowers and defeats the demon. He sees Willow lying on the ground, almost unconscious. He declares his love for her, that he will hold her in his heart no matter what came in the way. Willow finally experiences true love. She closes her eyes and perished into the wind.
Level 9 – Love Lives On
Ling and the son has a child. The child writes calligraphy and proceeds to tear the paper up like what Willow used to do. Ling reminds him that Willow’s spirit lives in him, and it has been transferred to the child. It is no surprise the child resembles Willow.
In conclusion, this movie explores the aspects of love deeply, and it is profound on many levels. This is one of the best movies I had watched on exploring the themes on love. I was moved to tears at the ending. True love is a kind of love that most people will never experience in their lifetime, and as the prophecy unfolds – one must be prepared to die for it, which resulted in Willow’s sacrifice and death at the end.
It is not easy to write 1500 words a day. To achieve that, I have to listen to music on loop. I have to clear all unspoken communications before writing. I have to set a date and time to do something to get it out of my head, no matter how trivial it is like doing the laundry. There is a level of performance required to concentrate with being intentional. But I am not always successful in my clearing, sometimes I do hit the word count goal, sometimes I get derailed.
I learnt a distinction that has a tremendous impact on my writings: disappearing. When I write not as myself, and disappear my identity, a new self emerges on page. That self is the universal self, and it no longer contains any of my fears or my wants. It contains universality in the form of a language that speaks to all and not only me. If I write as myself, it would be corrupted and disjointed and non linear. It makes total no sense and it is nonsensical. The moment I disappear myself – my fears are gone. My writings are clear. It contains a new found clarity and freedom of expression on page.
When I write not as myself, but as the universal self that connects to all – there is a flow of words that I would otherwise be unable to materialize. I am expressing myself not as my identity, but who I am. There is a difference between my identity and who I am. My identity contains past based experiences and it will come up to survive or protect me. But who I am as my word is a different way of being – it is about holding myself to my word and not allowing my identity to survive what I truly stand and believe in.
“Authenticity is being and acting consistent with who you hold yourself out to be for others, and who you hold yourself to be for yourself. When leading, being authentic leaves you grounded, and able to be straight with yourself, and straight with others without using force.” Being a Leader and The Effective Exercise of Leadership (https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1238158)
When I am who I am as my word the self that emerges is a new way of being and acting that is consistent on who I hold myself out to be. To be a world renowned author in 2021 is my word. This is what I am holding myself out to be as my word, and the self that is emerging right now is to be authentic about my relationships. I am keeping myself accountable to my family and friends and them, keeping me accountable to what I am aspiring to be as my word. There is a new found power and freedom of my self expression in this “holding out to be” phenomenon.
In the face of no agreement, I can create new possibilities by being authentic about what is working and not working. I can create new contexts by being an architect of my reality and dreams. I can live anywhere in the world and even if I am physically handicapped, I will still be my word.
It does not matter if we are in a dream or reality. Even the reality we live in could be a hologram. Or we could be in a dream, dreaming of reality itself. Reality and dreams are both constituted by us, and we are the architect of both worlds. We can create worlds in any form or space. The human imagination is how we create life to be. The moment we give in to our fears it destroys our creations (Mal). The moment we believe and trust in others and their belief in us, it brings out something bigger than ourselves than our limited construct of what we think it is (inauthentic unreal fears that sabotages our creations).
From analyzing inception I tried to take actions to end the night terrors. I took three actions – call three friends and tell share with them about my inauthentic fears of death and of an apocalypse that will wipe out the world. Before I slept, I called my mum and dad and listened to them for who they are and what they are doing in life. I finally had a beautiful dream.
In this beautiful dream, I am with my family and we are in a park. I was a child running around freely. They are laughing and smiling. My grandparents appeared in the foreground. My grandfather picked me up and said, “Ting, you are beautiful. You will do the family proud.” The dream goes fast forward. I am now in front of a world stage and speaking to an audience about a world government. From this construct radiating outwards, the governments of the world started to melt and converge into one universal government with one universal language. There is no more war or poverty or homelessness. There is an abundance of resources for the human population. At the highest level of civilization – we had achieved utopia.
The decay has been happening. There is a place within me that aspires to be but is not nourished. There is a decay of my soul as it sings it’s last song on love. There is a decay of unwanted wants. There is a decay of a lost song bird.
The decay is a broken door that can’t be shut. The decay is what it is and what it isn’t.
When the clock strikes thirteen, it’s evident there is no more real world. The decay is in the dream world.
When I am in my daily life, daily routines, daily clothes. I am just one of the many people in their usual lives. There is no calling forth, or purpose. There is just an emptiness, a void vacant state of aimlessness.
Today I discovered, after listening to Time by Hans Zimmer, that my being has been called forth powerfully to write for the world and I had been inauthentic by running away from this purpose. I had been inauthentic about myself by enrolling into business school instead of pursuing humanities. I had been inauthentic in my business dealings, and I had closed my consultancy firm as of last year. Although I was a high performing business consultant, it bought me no fulfillment. Although I could travel with no abandon, it bought me no answers. Although I had visited most of the museums of the world, I am not closer to creating my legacy.
As of now, I will write daily with no excuses, reasons or justifications on why I am running from this path of creative self-expression. Eventually, my physical self will decay and what is left is my writings as my sole contribution to the world. There is no one who is committedly listening to the importance of my books, but I will be creating that this is of a high importance to humanity that I pass on my knowledge to the world before my time is an end. My relationships are not working the way it could be, and I am causing through being honest about it to create love, affinity, joy and happiness.
The cause bigger than myself is creating a new context of sexuality for the world. My writings communicate that sexuality should be open and not censored the way it is in the modern world. The new possibility I am bringing forth is an openness in sexuality will result in a decline in violence, war, and depression. My intention will be clearly communicated in my short stories with these themes that I will release by this year.
To achieve this goal, I will write daily with no excuses and work on my books to completion. I will find distribution channels and be open to publicity although I am shy and I have a bodily sensation of running away from the public view. I will do this as my stand for the greater community. Through my leadership, I am the direct cause of others around me taking up positions of leadership to end suffering in this world.
This is my word and declaration as who I am for the world.
There is an anguish within. A descodance of a sound that is twirling in an echo of a black hole. I had hid the pain beneath a pretense that it is all okay. The reality of which is that the decay is taking place and rotting into a mountainous heap of waste.
Ever so once in a while I find my creations in a demolition mode. In deconstructing, the pieces are flying out of the window and landing onto the cement floor in broken pieces of glass.
I had been breaking glasses and cutting my fingers by accident. When blood pools on the surface wound of my skin, I know the decay is no longer metaphysical but it is happening. My internal descondence state had taken over my being and is on a rampage to self destruct.
In the échos I tried to scream his name. But there are no saviours. I am trapped in a tower with spiral stairs that lead to the grey clouds.
She is releasing a novel (Hourglass Series) yearly and weekly YouTube videos. She does experimental flash fiction on this blog, along with song, movies and character analysis using historical and literature references.
One Million Views on Scarlet Queen YouTube (2015)