I dream of Gackt very often. Maybe it’s the way my minions dream about Risque in her Scarlet Throne. But I had been idolising Gackt since I was a teenager and watched and consumed all his songs and videos and got them translated and even hung posters of him on my wall.
Ever so often I will get a recurring dream of him. I would be dating him in a cafe. I am in his presence where he engulfs me into his soul and disappears. He is literally everything I ever wanted in a man. He is multi-talented, plays many instruments, sings like a dove and lastly, he speaks to my soul and tugs my heartstrings like a violin as his voice enters me.
I am inspired by him, and his magical performances. Like the crazy fangirl I am, I read his biography and memorised it. I can’t speak Japanese and I will never end up marrying him or even remotely moving to Tokyo. But he still is in my life like an angel behind me and my creations. When I feel down, I turn to him and his music and it uplifts me. I had never dared write in a fanmail. I kept my obsessive feelings for him in a place where no one will see it, deeply buried in my subconscious, I am floating in the abyss of his voice.
At the back of my mind, he is always with me. In times like now when I feel quite down and upset and lousy about myself, I turn to him. He speaks to me and although he sings in a language I don’t understand, I can hear his soul. Through this healing process, I am energised to create again.
Gackt has this power over me I don’t quite comprehend either. Is it obsessive fan girl love? Or is it just the act of disappearing into his soul that makes me feel alive again? I don’t know. No one else in my life has this effect on me as he does. I could probably sing Mizerable in Japanese although I don’t understand a word just because I had listened to it thousands of times till I had memorised the lyrics in a language I don’t understand.
I totally get his misery, his isolation, his alienation. That sometimes being a creator is a solitary, lonely journey in a vast desert. There is no oasis, just mirages that appear and disappears in the desert storm. In this journey as a creator, I know my soul may never be understood or heard and yet I cry and sing a song no one might ever comprehend.
As I write this, my realisation of why I am doing what I do is pouring back to me like a torrential rain. Why did I stop for so long? Why? My existence is based on the feedback of my surroundings. If the calling is for me to create more works of art and beauty – it should be it.
In the depth of the milky way of creative energies, I am finally at one with creation itself.
I watched Cloud Atlas (2012) four years ago. I know I have a habit of delaying my movie reviews, writing them years after I watched them. But that movie gave me the inspiration to become an author.
My interpretation of Cloud Atlas is that you will never know if you work of creation would indirectly be used to advance the human collective. It starts with a 18th century gay composer, wrote his symphony and committed suicide shortly after although he knew his lover was looking for him. In a dramatic twists and turns of the event, at the final futuristic scene of the movie – it was his symphony that lead to a rebellion and creation of a new world as it passes one time line to the next in different forms.
Cloud Atlas is hard to understand and digest, in fact it would be one of the most complicated movies to analyse after The Matrix and Inception. It fundamentally answers the question – what is the meaning of life, and what is it for the future generation?
In the Hourglass series that I write, I am attempting to contribute to the human collective through my research and writing in the espionage thriller genre. It seems insignificant and even foolish to dedicate my prime years to this task. I could otherwise be using the time to generate more income, assets and material acquisitions to better my lifestyle and travel more. But, to me it makes perfect sense as it would be the Hourglass Series that will stand the test of time and not my videos, audio or blog. It would be in novel form that it will be preserved and last a century or beyond.
But a thousand years? Maybe not. My cousin and I had a discussion that the history that we know a thousand years ago is mostly lost by now. Looking at how insignificant our human lives are, writing a novel is just a small feat compared to the contributions one can possibly make to humanity.
Cloud Atlas is one such contribution, it may not be fully understood now but it would be one of those classic movies that would be referred to be cited as a catalyst to something else a hundred years from now.
I had written and compiled a poetry book called The Chase which I am intending to release soon on Amazon. The Chase is essentially about my infatuation and loving term loving relationship with science. To put it precisely – physics. When I was a child, I was intrigued by a computer game about the solar planets in our galaxy. I was drawn to the concept of time on our planet – we have 365 days in a year as that’s the amount of time it takes for a planet to orbit the sun. For other planets, they may take days or years to orbit the sun, and if a human is born another planet we would age differently.
I would say I am an atheist at this stage of my life. I have no religion. As Stephen Hawking says in an interview, “”Before we understand science, it is natural to believe that God created the universe. But now science offers a more convincing explanation. What I meant by ‘we would know the mind of God’ is, we would know everything that God would know, if there were a God, which there isn’t. I’m an atheist.” In my opinion at this stage of my life, science provides the answer to our existence in the grand scheme of the universe. My dad is an atheist as well. God, by definition is our interpretation of it.
“To love another person is to see the face of God.” Victor Hugo
I had expanded on my definition on God to include everything in the universe. To me, that makes perfect sense. When I have a spiritual experience, it is my connection with humanity and all that encompasses in it. Averral is an angelic name bestowed to me by angels on the milky way. My angels in the cosmic flow are watching over me on my journey of creation. I am empowered to make a difference by tapping into the reservoir of possibilities.
In The Chase, it is about my love hate relationship with time. Time will eventually rob us of everything as we know it. My dad says that time stops when one enters the black hole. Death of a galaxy happens when it enters a black hole. All things that start will come to an end. On the book cover of The Chase, I had chosen a picture of a black hole. When writing those poems, I was contemplating about the meaning of life and what is the point of living when it all comes to a definite end. Is our life sole mission to procreate? Or create new worlds that we would never imagine possible? What is it really?
The subscribers to my blog will get an advanced copy of The Chase once it is out, be sure to subscribe to my newsletter and be rewarded.
Having read Venus in Furs when I was 18 years old, I was pleasantly surprised that the flight I was on route to Paris had an independent movie called Venus in Furs by Polanski. It is in French with English subtitles. There were only two actors (the male and female lead who happens to be Polanski’s wife) in a run down theater in the production. The novel Venus in Furs is undoubtedly a BDSM classic, with the term “masochism” originating from the author of novel.
I spent most of my formative years in the theater. My mother performed and taught classical piano. We would be at the theater every weekend.I knew every nook and canny. I would play hide and seek with other children behind the red velvet curtains during rehearsals. At the buffet line I could not drink coffee or tea, so I would pour myself a cup of milk. When I watched Venus in Furs, I was instantly transported back into the theater of my childhood and the performances that it held.
In the movie, the actress lounges on the sofa and struts her stuff by proving to the director (the male lead) that she deserves the role. Hence, the movie is like watching what happens behind a theater production, than the production itself. On how the actress seduces the director, and how the director falls into her whims and becomes her masochist in his own fantasy reenactment of the script as the actor. On many levels, it is like watching Inception but theater style.
First, you have Polanski who is the real director of the play, casting his wife into the female lead role.
Secondly, you have the young male lead act as the director in the movie itself who is casting a new actress who walked in to be his new lead.
Thirdly, you have the director in the movie audition the script (Venus in Furs) with the female lead, and in this sense, the director enacts his fantasy to be the male lead of the show with the new actress.
If you can’t wrap your mind around what I just wrote, you have to watch the movie as it is so subliminal on many levels that it was a mind boggling. I had to research on the nature of Polanski and his wife relationship (Polanski has a 33 years age gap with his wife) and how they met to get a real feel of what he is trying to communicate in this movie.
In my conclusion, this movie is a fantasy of the director, Polanski and his wife Emmanuelle Seigner. It is the fruition of their love for theater and movies, and their collaboration on this is a milestone on their marriage. It is a classic by itself as Polanski hits the mark on this movie on the themes of dominance and submission, and how a woman is able to manipulate and control a man’s thoughts by his lust for her. The actress humiliates the director as a “pervert” as the director falls deeper into the trap she has woven, for she wants the role badly and isn’t gonna let the director stop her from becoming the lead actress. I highly recommend this movie and it is still in my thoughts although I watched it in 2014. I still knew I have to write a review about it to release it from my mind (that’s the impact of this movie, it leaves your brain spinning with intellectual stimulation). Go watch it.
It is no secret I love cats, and anything to do with cats, including humans acting as cats in a musical. I probably wasn’t born when it first premiered on Broadway, but I believe I had seen the video version when I was a child as certain scenes and songs are familiar to me. My mother would take me to the theatre every weekend, and surround the house with music from those plays that she played on the piano from day to night. Occasionally, she would break out and sing. I remember some of the songs she liked are from this play. Anyway, I was curious to watch Cats as I had heard and listened and been surrounded by it but I haven’t watched the actual play. I believe Catwoman from Batman is partially inspired (or the other way round?) from this play.
After watching Cats and Phantom of the Opera, I believe I have sufficient evidence that Andrew Lloyd Webber is kinky. Firstly, in Cats, ALL the actors are wearing collars! That’s seriously OMG how interesting! That is the first sign of an imprint of kink in a play indirectly caused by the person who created the musical himself. I LOVED the costumes, they are very gothic. There are human cats in corsets, leather boots till the knees, high collar fur coats, and lots and lots of fur of course! The play is worth watching just for the costumes. The music varied and it shifts from contemporary to classical with lots of dancing and no dialogue.
I haven’t quite figured out the storyline towards the end of the play because I was paying too much attention to their dance moves and elaborate cat like behaviour. I must say, if I ever have to choose to act in a broadway play of my choice, I would choose to be in Cats for the reasons above. I will kill myself than act as bimbo-tic Christine (WHY DIDN’T SHE CHOOSE TO BE WITH PHANTOM!) in Phantom of the Opera although that’s the leading female role. I don’t mind being a minor dancer in Cats for the pure ecstasy of dancing, crawling, behaving like a fully expressed human being in the role of a feline creature.
Back to the review, it exceeded my expectations. The set was very modern and unexpected. Some scene changes were unpredictable and I couldn’t predict the story, which is a good from a storytelling perspective, because I have been able to guess the ending of 999/1000 stories I come across. Andrew Lloyd Webber is indeed a genuis for his productions, other than him, I personally like Tim Burton’s movies as well. It’s not by coincidence that I like gothic stuff, because simply gothic is kinky, and kinky is fun.
As I attended the premier night, most of the audience I believe are family and friends of the performers and they were queuing up outside the theater from 7pm on-wards in a queue that extended two blocks. The performers indeed put up their best performance (they will dance at their peak if their family is watching) for their special audience, and knowing this secret now, I will try to catch premiers of any opening shows in future. I spotted a child wearing a feline costume with hand drawn whiskers on her face. Another person was watching a big black CATS T-Shirt. I semi regret not wearing my cat ears, I should do totally do that!
I loved the part when the actors would randomly come to the sides of our chairs and prowl and sing and dance so we can look and listen to them upclose. They call this method of acting “breaking the fourth wall ” which means basically the actors are aware the audience are watching them. Since Deadpool inception and welcoming of breaking of the fourth wall, I believe we will see more of this type of productions in future.
Doing up my new apartment and speaking to contractors gave me insights into the effort and love put into constructing homes. When I see a home now, I see a summary of effort by a group of people who put thought and consideration into each facet (lighting, switches, design of blocks etc), and each invention that made our modern lives more convenient (fridge, television, water filter).
I imagined that in the past, there wasn’t air conditioning or any electronics, and how people lived in low density buildings. The advancement of technology has enabled us to build higher buildings with designer amenities. It’s a crazy jump from how our grand parents lived in the past (villages with wooden houses and townships with two storey buildings), to the modern high rise apartments we have now with nearby air conditioned shopping malls.
What a jump of technological advancement in a short span of 50 years! I wonder what would be the type of buildings and communities we will live in 50 years from now. If given an option to shape the future, I would like to see the advancement of drones shipping our parcels and groceries directly to our living rooms. I would like two seater drone vehicle that I could fly out from my balcony to another building balcony so there is no traffic congestion in the skies. I would also like to see more people working from home, with SOHO home offices as the norm to cut down carbon emissions, and a reduction in car ownership and increase in share ride services such as UBER and flexi express bus systems.
Most jobs would be automated by artificial intelligence by then and most people would be working in jobs that automate processes. Robots would do our house work (such as robot vacuum cleaners now, and in future, personal cleaner robots that do laundry and cooking).
In the past week I had been fascinated by the world of Game of Thrones. I did some cross referencing with historical events that happened, and the fictional events that mirrored those.
The Unsullied are basically inspired by the soldiers of Sparta, but in a more extreme way – they are eunuch warriors. In ancient China, eunuchs traditionally served the imperial court but they do not fight as warriors. Similarly to the unsullied, boys were sold to the imperial court and castrated at age six.
Instead of burning their organs, they are kept in a box and they can buy it back when they had made it in the court as a prominent influential eunuch, so that they can be buried together with their box upon their death. It’s a superstition that one has to be buried as a whole to be reborn as a whole.
The author did use references from Sparta and Ancient China to merge the details and invent a new race of warrior eunuchs who served a master till their death, with the inability to feel pain (Sparta warriors), and being immune to worldly desires (eunuchs).
I personally like Varys. He is a slave turned eunuch turned advisor to the King. He is the key to the events that unfold in the world of Game of Thrones. I have been following him very closely, and it seems that his plans are well executed and he is on his A game while the rest are stumbling around him.
His desire is to serve the realm, which is the best for everyone including himself. He hates magic as it lead to his castration. I believe as long Varys is in the storyline, and not killed, he will be able to influence the events in the world of Game of Thrones and eventually make Daenerys Targaryen sit on the Iron Thorne.
I had been visualizing transforming my home into a refuge for orphans. Watching hours of documentaries and reading newspaper articles on them had moved me. It makes all my complaints and worries seem like first world problems. Like, where to go on a Friday Night seems so insignificant compared to: are these orphans going to be adopted soon?
I used to think when I am older I would become a woman who keeps cats and sends them for grooming competitions. It sounds quite ridiculous when I type this now, did I even think of that before? Now, my view has shifted towards fostering orphans and providing them the love of a family.
I used to think that money was the solution to solving world’s problems. Now, I realised, it isn’t. The issue is policies that are implemented are causing the suffering of those who do not have a voice. China’s one child policy lead to the abandonment of millions of female babies. Policies implemented by the government can fundamentally shift the mindset of the population. Gay marriage rights is fundamentally shifting the perception of the LGBT community to gain widespread acceptance in their families for their choice of partners.
I believe the suffering will end once we take responsibility for the change we want to see in this world by starting with small daily actions, that in turn, influences the community and eventually the policies of the world.
I attended the Landmark Advanced Course over this weekend and I must say, it has exceeded all the expectations I had written down before my enrollment. I wanted the ability to influence the people around me. For the longest period of time, I did not know how. I watched people suffer, I watched my friends cry, I watched my family needing help and I did not know what to say, and when I wanted to say something, I hold back and run away and hide in a little corner to read books or surf Facebook.
I let the world go by without knowing what I can do. I blamed it on my age, that I was too young, I can’t tell older people what to do, they won’t listen to me. I blamed it on my circumstances, that I am female, asian and expected to do all these traditional chinese roles of what a daughter is expected and respect the elders. I blamed it on many things, on my country, my school, my who and who and who. But I didn’t realised, it wasn’t about blaming. It was about taking responsibility for what I want to be. Full 100% responsibility for what I want to see in this world.
When I start to tell others what to do so they would finally stop suffering, they would tell me I don’t know any better. That they are in dire circumstances. My friend is in debt for failure of his business. Some of my family members don’t talk to one another because of something that happened. Some of my friends are expecting harsh breakups, or just simply not doing well at work. I felt helpless to do anything but watch. Like a television show, I watched the world go by around me without the ability to be part of it. I ignored the problems and just focused on working, and writing my books, hoping by writing out my pain, the suffering will stop for myself and others.
This was the me before I did the Landmark Forum Advanced Course.
What is real only occurs in language. The power of language is that we have the ability to distinguish what happened, our stories and the meaning we attached to it. We have the power to reinvent the possibility of creating an entire new reality. It all starts with the words we use not only to describe ourselves, but others.
On Monday, I gained access to the power of language by issuing requests to my family and friends to stop suffering and take action. This I know, is unreasonable. I should just watch them suffer like a sadist. But no. Honestly. I am sick of watching people suffer. It makes me sick, it makes me hide and it impacts me negatively so much I don’t even watch the news. I refuse to know what is happening so I don’t have to deal with it. But by doing that, I am making myself smaller and smaller, like a helpless being. Like a slave to the universe. I am no slave. I am a master. A master of reality.
A writer is the master of reality itself.
I started to write my life by changing the language I use on others to redesign my reality.
As of today, four days after the seminar, my results are:
I got my parents to explore the possibility of an extraordinary relationship for their retirement years
I reestablished my friendship with my worst enemy and best friend after 1 1/2 years of fighting, through a ten minute conversation
I got my friend who is experiencing a break up to tear his name card so I can give him a hug, and he can reach out to others
I got another friend to pour all his thoughts into a glass and pour it all out into the abyss, so he can finally be freed from his suffering. He messaged me and told me he passed his driving test after failing seven times.
I got half the group in the seminar of 83 people to stand up to commit to creating change and possibilities for others in their lives to end suffering
I empowered my group to do the same of what I am doing, in their lives by directly being accountable for my words with full integrity
I rediscovered my assistant in a totally new way that I admire and respect her greatly as a person of high integrity
I started to issue requests without attaching the meaning to failure, and let go of the fear of failure itself. Rejection means nothing to me now
I gained a new access to the power of language. New realities are invented as I speak.
There are so much undiscovered possibilities that my actions make in the sea of possibilities, I can be free of any attachment or disappointment as long I keep doing what I want to do and see for this world, which is to end suffering.
and much more undiscovered possibilities now present to me.
The Landmark Forum is truly profound. I had signed up for the Leadership Course and committed another six months to mastering my identity, language and reality.
Do not believe anything written about the Landmark Forum, including what I just wrote. This is my journey and each person journey is unique. You have to experience this for yourself.
This course exceeds the experience of Space Travel.
I would put the Advanced Course as the number one adventure I had experienced in my lifetime (ahead of my backpacking trip in Greece).
My possibilities are your possibilities, enroll yourself in the Landmark Forum and go past the next frontier of performance for yourself and others.
You may be the next cause of change in this world.
She is releasing a novel (Hourglass Series) yearly and weekly YouTube videos. She does experimental flash fiction on this blog, along with song, movies and character analysis using historical and literature references.
One Million Views on Scarlet Queen YouTube (2015)