Self Infliction

For so long I looked for answers in the looking glass

Wrapped in a veil that was suffocated my neck

But there aren’t no answers to the questions I asked

For all along the self inflicted torment I had inflicted

was no other than on myself

Dreams Distortion

I gave birth to a baby boy, after embracing his warmth in my arms I fell asleep.
I woke up and his head dropped from his body like a doll and it became lifeless.
I cried my eyes out and realised that the baby’s body had turned gray.
 
I met my shadow self. My dark identity. It was a shadow, with no face.
She was as tall as me, but instead of the shadow on the floor, it was a shadow facing me.
She was full of dark energy, full of hate, full of violence, full of anger.
 
She offered to take me to the shadows, not to wake up in colour but in a world of black and white.
I said I am not ready, I don’t want to die. I want to live. Don’t take me. I know you had controlled me, you had cursed those who had hurt me, you had protected me. As the shadow, as you are, you had followed behind me since I had a physical self. But I am not ready to join the shadows. I want to live.
 
If you live, you must destroy me, she said.
I sliced my shadow into two with my hand.
My shadow disappeared into thin air.

 

 

Les Miserables

Before I depart to a land of no return

There are words I would like to say

But these words will turn into echos, into dust

Before they can reach you.

There are many a times I tried to reach

Beyond the looking glass

To the dimension where you are

But you are so lost, so lost in the desert storm

I can’t find you no more.

Sometimes I want to

Give up, give up.

There is no wind to lift my wings no more

In this flight, I can’t soar

I am dying, dying.

Yet, singing singing

A song that you can’t hear

In the desert storm

My words turn to echoes of the wind

As the dust buries me

deep into the desert soil

Les Miserables.

 

 

Make It Happen

Life lines are hanging on electric poles
There is no electricity, just the illusion of electricity
There is no fear, just the illusion of fear
There is no history, just the continuous rewriting of history.

What we believe today, may be changed tomorrow.
The tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.
It isn’t today, today, today.

Fear is the biggest illusion.
We are all free to be.
Make it happen.

Vacuum 

Stars lighted all corners of the pitch black darkness as I floated through space.

Floating and yet not moving. 

Suspended by anti gravity. 

My body is waste matter. 

Broken comets floated alongside. 

The air feels as cold as the dead of the night. 

In this state, I screamed your name. 

No sound vibrated in the vacuum. 

Drifting like a weightless entity. 

I tried gulping for air like a swimmer in the muddy seas. 

Blank. 

A Full Circle

Her laughter used to fill the room.

She sat on the circular table once, but now that seat remains empty. The circle now has a hole. It’s an incomplete circle but a curved line with no joined endings.

“It’s unauspicious to leave a gap on a circular table,” my grand uncle said, beckoning for her young son to seat in the empty chair although he can’t fit comfortably in an adult sized chair.

The sudden departure of her years ago, in this exact same moment, seemed like it was a second passed. Her son sulks in her seat, turning backwards to face the television.

It just isn’t the same, isn’t the same without her booming laughter. There was awkward silences and pauses in the conversation that was once filled with her loud voice.

Once upon a time, she flew the skies as a stewardess in a sarong kabaya. She met an Irishman and gave life to three beautiful Eurasian kids. The youngest, who looked uncanny like her but with dark brown eyes, now sat beside me on the circular table. He continued to watch the television.

I paid attention to every single detail, soaking the conversation in like it may be the last moment before someone goes to the next world. There are no warnings, no signs. The silent killer lurks deeply embedded in our DNA. There is no running or hiding, it strikes when no one is looking, in the pink of health, in the moment of joy.

When it was time to leave my grand uncle called from behind, “Where’s your lover? Bring him to me!”

I chirped like a nightingale and ran towards the sunset. Running and running through fortresses, castles and ancient ruins. Lost in my wanderlust of endless adventure. My dreams of conquering the world with my words, conjoined with my lover in a black cocoon covered by my long hair in our dance before we emerging as butterflies.

She once sang a song in the skies. One day I will meet her in the heaven and tell her about all the worlds I wrote. She would say to me in her resonant voice, “Well done, you had completed the full circle.”

 

My Daemon

You breathed colours into my monochrome life.

Pieced the shattered fragments of my soul.

Listened to my soul song and saw me for who I am.

Embraced my core as one complete whole instead of two halves.

How could I ever thank you?

The memories of us, forged into one desire.

Our letters, now immortalized.

Our love, radiating outwards like the sun.

Time and space seems to drift us further away in this galaxy divided by sliding screens.

For this I must sing my song, louder and louder to reach to you.

When I say “echo”, my promise lives on, for us and for others like us, they will feel our combined purpose in the liberation of others in their kinky ways.

You are my daemon and the air that I breathe.

The light has returned to my eyes.

I await for you painfully with pleasure.

Abyss

Cold sweat

Racing thoughts 

Drowsiness 

Void

Night terrors 

A song of an angel 

Weakened body 

Melting wax 

Circular downwards 

Gliding movements

Sinking 

Ocean depths 

Numbness 

Voiceless

Cold 

Unspoken 

Thoughts 

Abyss 

Japan Day 1 – Shinkansen from Osaka to Tokyo

My fondest memory of Japan is visiting Disneyland with my parents when I was nine years old. On the space mountain ride, I discovered my subspace. The weightless feeling of being suspended in midair by motion. The helplessness of being unable to control my fate.

The roller coaster is moving faster than the speed of light in pitch black darkness only lighted by stars. I felt empowered after the ride. I had been through the depths of sub space and back, what else is there to fear? Since then I was a thrill seeker for that adrenaline rush to free my body into that state of nothingness. In the Shinkansen writing this, I am reminded of the motion of being in a fast speed vehicle. The sounds are deafening on both sides as the landscapes are waving past in blurry vision.

Still, the Shinkansen isn’t my space mountain. My sub space now belongs to the realm of total power transfer to the master that I trust. Only he can lift me into those heights that defies gravity in his usage of suspension of ropes and control over my mind. This has been the state that I used to over come my fears to transcend from my ego to self. I still had not fully comprehend the usage of this complicated ritual of power transfer synergy in my relationships with men. But I believe it is possible, even for a brief moment of bliss. Everything else in the journey towards that sub bliss space is worth it.

The freedom that comes with weightlessness is like being suspended in two states – the state of gravity and anti gravity. In this state, there is zero pain. The usual body aches melts into liquid wax. The fears and doubts in the mind dissipate into emptiness. My spirit is united with the heavens again. I hear my name even more clearly now. My purpose grows stronger with revelation in the suspended state.

I recalled sweating all over in cold sweat after the space mountain ride. I had never experienced something like this before. How can I recreate it when I leave Disneyland forever? I found my answer with trusting my mind to men who could overpower my will. That backfired, and I lost my will for many years after an abuse on trust. Instead, I imposed my will on others and made them my submissive so I can relish in my control of their minds and bodies.

The more addicted I grew to the sensation of control, the colder I became and the more numb I felt. There was the other part of me that desired to be controlled as well but it wasn’t fulfilled. My revelations unfolded very slowly. Failed relationships after failed relationships. No one can figure out what I needed or wanted. Neither could I. I am but a vast void that no matter how much love was showered upon me, I could never feel loved.

The duality of my conflicting needs began to set into a rift and constant struggle for me to dominate or be dominated. I found every opportunity to enact these secret desires by going for gym classes that I wasn’t good in to be verbally abused by ex army sergeants, or by simply killing all my opponents mercilessly in a good game of left for dead and getting the highest scores.

I did all these subconscious things before I was even aware of doing them. I had no clue what was wrong. I just wanted my subspace, and no one seemed to be able to understand that desire of my void lies with my problem with control.

I still have not found my answers and I am still seeking for them as I transverse from Osaka to Tokyo on this high speed bullet train. The endless travels around the world this year had given me no answers to this fundamental need that is still left unfulfilled. I am on the quest on my next adventure to find that sub space once again.

IMG_9004.JPG