My fondest memory of Japan is visiting Disneyland with my parents when I was nine years old. On the space mountain ride, I discovered my subspace. The weightless feeling of being suspended in midair by motion. The helplessness of being unable to control my fate.
The roller coaster is moving faster than the speed of light in pitch black darkness only lighted by stars. I felt empowered after the ride. I had been through the depths of sub space and back, what else is there to fear? Since then I was a thrill seeker for that adrenaline rush to free my body into that state of nothingness. In the Shinkansen writing this, I am reminded of the motion of being in a fast speed vehicle. The sounds are deafening on both sides as the landscapes are waving past in blurry vision.
Still, the Shinkansen isn’t my space mountain. My sub space now belongs to the realm of total power transfer to the master that I trust. Only he can lift me into those heights that defies gravity in his usage of suspension of ropes and control over my mind. This has been the state that I used to over come my fears to transcend from my ego to self. I still had not fully comprehend the usage of this complicated ritual of power transfer synergy in my relationships with men. But I believe it is possible, even for a brief moment of bliss. Everything else in the journey towards that sub bliss space is worth it.
The freedom that comes with weightlessness is like being suspended in two states – the state of gravity and anti gravity. In this state, there is zero pain. The usual body aches melts into liquid wax. The fears and doubts in the mind dissipate into emptiness. My spirit is united with the heavens again. I hear my name even more clearly now. My purpose grows stronger with revelation in the suspended state.
I recalled sweating all over in cold sweat after the space mountain ride. I had never experienced something like this before. How can I recreate it when I leave Disneyland forever? I found my answer with trusting my mind to men who could overpower my will. That backfired, and I lost my will for many years after an abuse on trust. Instead, I imposed my will on others and made them my submissive so I can relish in my control of their minds and bodies.
The more addicted I grew to the sensation of control, the colder I became and the more numb I felt. There was the other part of me that desired to be controlled as well but it wasn’t fulfilled. My revelations unfolded very slowly. Failed relationships after failed relationships. No one can figure out what I needed or wanted. Neither could I. I am but a vast void that no matter how much love was showered upon me, I could never feel loved.
The duality of my conflicting needs began to set into a rift and constant struggle for me to dominate or be dominated. I found every opportunity to enact these secret desires by going for gym classes that I wasn’t good in to be verbally abused by ex army sergeants, or by simply killing all my opponents mercilessly in a good game of left for dead and getting the highest scores.
I did all these subconscious things before I was even aware of doing them. I had no clue what was wrong. I just wanted my subspace, and no one seemed to be able to understand that desire of my void lies with my problem with control.
I still have not found my answers and I am still seeking for them as I transverse from Osaka to Tokyo on this high speed bullet train. The endless travels around the world this year had given me no answers to this fundamental need that is still left unfulfilled. I am on the quest on my next adventure to find that sub space once again.
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AVERRAL writes under pen name Scarlet Risqué. She stars in Scarlet Queen YouTube with over a million views. She holds a degree in business. The RED HOURGLASS is ranked Top 50 Espionage Thriller on Amazon. She is currently writing the sequels to the Hourglass Series. Grab a free copy of her novel now RED HOURGLASS on Amazon |
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