by | | Random
I am on the verge of the cliff facing the abyss.
There are no safety nets Jumping into the matrix of oblivion
Death is the beginning of rebirth
I had found and lost my self
time again and again
A life of dreams
Of risks and forgoing what is acceptable
What is right, what is wrong
Conditioning of the mind and body
By constant exercise and redefining limitations
I am not who I am
Not a single cocktail touches my tongue
You know what is the hardest part?
It’s that people don’t understand
What is it like to live in your head
And reject the hopes of what you believe
Of course this is not a suicide note,
It’s my message to the virtual fake world
“Get out there and do something!”
I am here
Closer to my impossible dream
Yet the taste of fruition lingers
In my tongue.
by | | Random
Fantasy is a projection of the reality we want vs the reality we currently have. To have our fantasy realised all we have to do is start to have conversations with like-minded people to discover “what ifs?” But most of the time, before the fantasy can be materialised either one person runs away from who they really are, to go on this long search of avoiding the reconciliation of who they are vs who they are pretending to be.
I have to declare that all my relationships that occurs online before meeting in real life have failed. There is a drift between what is projected and what is real. The relationships that work, is amongst people whom I met in real life as they know the real me.
In the artistic pursuit of my identity, numerous projections have been placed on me. But they are just fantasies. It is nothing real. They are stories that exists in consciousness. To transcend them to real life, it requires real life conversations. Introductions. Really getting to know someone.
Escaping and running from who we are only brings us back to square one – to finding out who we are.
by | | Random
Designer Guo Pei
I believe humans are underutilizing their abilities due to social constructs that limits their advancement. The very organisations we design are not catered to humans who are biologically designed to have multiple talents. In fact I believe that working in a singular fixed job without external interests of hobbies leads to the degradation of the mind in the long term.
The general discontentment and low life satisfaction rate of people in developed countries is the reflection of how modern society attempts to class and divide people into streams and labels in organisational hierarchies. It starts with school, we are given a grade and the final score of university entry exams determines the outcome of an adoscelent adulthood and lifestyle.
That predetermination of streaming at a premature age limits and hinders personal growth that could otherwise be materialized to fruitation into a multi potiential human being with the ability to redesign and recreate reality of his own.
It kills off entrepreneurs who otherwise may have learnt the tools in business school wasn’t for their low scores in maths or science or languages. The inaccuracy of grading ones ability using written assessments is a detriment to the otherwise unfounded development of a person who could have blossomed into a world leader.
I dropped out of two schools in my lifetime because I felt it wasn’t aligned to my interests and outcome. The best opportunity given to me in my life was the years I spent in Melbourne where I discovered and formulated my identity and broke out of my constrains of what was expected of a typical conservative Asian girl. By 21, I had a business degree in my belt and was highly graded on my business presentations. There wasn’t a question my lecturers posed that I couldn’t answer on the spot. What runs me is that I have to get it right. Do it right, do it right. It is screaming at the back of my mind.
Maybe having an almost perfect memory for written text and the ability to condense and link large amounts of factual data is a blessing in disguise. I knew the answers before they were told. Sometimes I wonder if I could read people minds.
The Landmark Forum Advanced course was a breakthrough in my understanding of the pieces I had been trying to solve for some time. How does one change the world? I finally got my answer – it starts with writing the future now.
I redesigned my life to be a work of art. I don’t want to live a blind slavish life to pursuing materialistic short term gratification. However I feel that my works are being abused instead of appreciated as I am on the wrong medium.
I am seriously reconsidering my artistic direction on my YouTube channel to take it to a new unthreaded frontier. This may mean I will change my content to make it only accessible to paid subscribers to achieve the next milestone. There will be no more free content to be released to the public. Changing my medium of communication will enable me to focus on quality and depth.
My despodence grows from knowing that my journey is solitary and my messages may never be comprehended. But it’s okay, as long I am here I will keep trying to communicate my definition of beauty to alleviate human suffering.
Writing the future now has never been so empowering. The mastery of self lies in the mastery of language. I am glad to have taken the path of being a writer. Language is the access to recreating the reality we live in for the advancement of mankind.
The reality we live in only exists in the future now that we create. The possibility starts with daily consistent actions. I am awake and not asleep no more.
I am finally released from my suffering.
by | | Random
I am at planner. I mean it, I plan so much that I had bought all the items needed before moving in to a new home. Piles of boxes are stacked on top of one another in a maze and they have been sealed and wrapped way before I got the moving date. I am a die hard planner anxious person.
I want to move in without anything missing from the new home. I had even resorted to creating an online grocery list of dry goods to order once the apartment is ready, I could just ship it in directly and unpack my kitchen utensils and start cooking on day one.
Yea I am crazy. Pretty much. This is now I had structured my life and my novels to the tiny details. I bought exactly three soap holders and one double soap holder as I had ordered 30 bars olive soaps online which I had predicted would be a year supply. I am getting rid of hand soap and relying on bar soap, and eventually replacing my bath shower gel with natural bar soap to conserve wastage of the earths resources and go green.
I had sourced packets of spices to be dumped into tiny ikea bottles, bought a range of Method products for house cleaning purposes and even arranged for a cleaner to come in weekly even before the house is ready.
I never developed such extreme planning habits till I enrolled in a masters degree program in Melbourne. On top of going to lectures, writing essays and running an online business, I had to restock on groceries and cook three meals a day. I had never pushed myself so hard in my life till that point and I crashed by quitting graduate school. Best decision ever.
Still have not used my degree to apply for jobs till today. What more would I need an extra graduate degree for?
I regret slightly on not completing my certification but it was quickly made up by my other extreme travel pursuits such as driving long distances in foreign places.
I drove the great ocean road over five days. It was the most amazing trip ever on a ford falcon. The breeze in my hair, down winding roads to the middle of no where. That sparked my inspiration on Mary’s scene on riding a bike in the countryside with Max.
Then I went to Las Vegas, rented a car and drove to Los Angeles. The journey took six hours through the dessert and I felt my eyes were gonna pop out as my hands went numb towards the dead of the night. Fortunately I found the motel with the help of a gps and it was all good.
I love random travel andrealine like that. The next was climbing up a fortress in Corfu. That was unforgettable. Watching a different theatre show every night in London for seven days. Visiting 10 independent book stores. Those are the crazy insane side trips I do while on vacation.
Now, my extreme persuit is to get my house ready and complete this milestone before my next adventure.
by | | Random
What is a woman’s power? It’s her sexuality. Her desirability. The more desired a woman, the more powerful she is. She controls by strategic alliances with others. The most powerful women of our time are politicians and celebrities. However, the names of politicians will be forgotten with time, but celebrities? They will be eternally remembered by the masses. Fundamentally, it’s about creating desirability and alliances.
Men? They think their power is in money, but that is the big illusion. It isn’t money. It’s about providing security. A man’s power is in his ability to provide security. Forbes ranks powerful men as politicians or billionaires. Fundamentally, it is measured by the security they give to their country or organization.
Power is not manipulation, monetary or enslavement induced. Power is given, not taken. Power is when people make the choice to elect their politicians and business leaders. Power is given to celebrities who inspire their audience.
As writers, our power is to write the truth and remove the veil of the false.
by | | Random
Dance lesson today was about learning a trick that involves the lead twisting the hand of the follower into a downward kneeling position and swinging the follower 360 degrees before she stands up again to continue dancing.
Twist and kneel, twist and kneel. We repeated the steps over and over and all I was thinking is how to enact that step privately on a victim, or to use it in sync with a aikido move. Then again, I am the follower so all I can do is try to follow and god dam it’s so difficult ! But nevertheless we did almost concluded the class learning that step.
After much self inflicted masohistic dance training and 14 000 steps on my Mi Band, and a brand new regime to quit coffee to write more hours to avoid a caffeine crash (I think I might fail on quitting coffee), and increasing my exercise schedule to five times a week on this marathon novel month, writing a thousand words a day still isn’t fast enough and I need to up it to a thousand five hundred words a day.
Don’t know why I am putting myself through all these when life can be easier just consuming and not creating, but the better question would be why aren’t most people creating in their short lifespans. But anyway I just got to do what I can.
by | | Random
I am absolutely addicted and obsessed over my latest Mi Band. As a connoisseur of technology, I dig latest technological advances that can improve our quality of life via big data analytics.
My weekly exercise results is out and it shows that I walk about 2 hours a day on average! Looking at the amount of steps I take per day makes me motivated to take more public transport and walk more often during break times. I used to dread walking even for food, but now I would walk a kilometer away for my favorite stall that sells pastry and snacks!
Along with the Mi band, there is a Mi weighing scale that syncs with the phone app and is able to track my weight. I had ordered the weighing scale and I look forward to losing weight! My weight never shifts because I do so much toning but I am going to up my cardio to see some results.
The Mi band also tracks sleep and it shows my deep sleep is 2 1/2 hours on average. Today I only had 2 hours deep sleep and I feel under productive. On days I get 3 hours or more I am hyper. The record I got was 5 hours and my DL says my attention span and speed is so fast for that day. I intend to study how do I get more deep sleep to increase my daily writing speed and productivity.
10 million Mi Bands were sold in 2015, at $19.99 it’s quite a steal and I highly recommend this piece of wearable technology for fitness motivation.
Here is a cute picture of me wearing the Mi band while I write this article on my iphone and a secret side of me wishes it was a collar instead. Meow.
Oh yea I cut my hair hehe :X
by | | Random
In my weakened state I screamed your name,
“Wait!”
You never looked back, you kept moving forward and forward like a drifting shadow till you disappeared into the edge of the ocean pier like a small shadow as your image disappeared from my vision.
In my daze, I went to the nearest lighted building – a hotel.
I rang the bell repeatedly. The reception was lighted but empty. No soul was around. I looked left and right, I looked around. But you were no where to be found.
For the days that remained at the island of Corfu, I would drink by the pier at night, wondering if I lost you forever as you ran into the night, away from me, away from your nightmares, away from your family, away from the world. I wondered if you disappeared into the ocean, I wondered if you are free now. I wondered these things as I chanted prayers after prayers under my breath while looking out at the vastness of the skies meeting the waves.
“Ring.” A call. From who? I did not know. A savior for my soul?
In embrassment, I answered shyly,
“Hello.”
As soon the melachohy started, it ended right there with the call from heaven. But now, the bridge between heaven and earth no longer exist. It has been broken by the lost of faith. The lost of us, forever.
Again, I am screaming your name.
But now I am even weaker. I had lost my voice. Only words remain as the visions of us turned from an ideal of brilliance to a blank state of nothingness.
Nothingness.
Melachohy.
Abandonment.
by | | Random
In my view, the wars of this world are not won by men, but by women. Throughout history, it’s the women behind men that determined the outcome of wars. Without Josephine, Napoleon wouldn’t have conquered the whole of Europe. If he did not divorce Josephine, he would have maintained his empire and prevented the rise of America.
I would gladly take credit for being the women behind several prominent men. I believe without my valuable input, they wouldn’t be where they are today. I believe in the ripple effect of my actions, and that for each word I type, or each dance I do, there is a magnitude of immeasurable after-shocks like an earthquake. However, as my intentions are noble, I believe the aftershocks felt will resonate towards a better tomorrow.
I believe that my words will stand the test of time. All else will disappear. I believe in the pursuit of truth, love and beauty. Since the French Revolution, our world is currently at its current construct of being democratic. The freedom of speech and self-expression is a relatively new novelty. I believe that since the creation of democracy, millions have been liberated from the chains of suppression.
There are nations today that are under dictatorships, but I believe the waves of democracy will liberate them towards the freedom of self-expression. We need more investigative journalists, more writers, more self-expressed people to step up and create the possibilities of change. The recent release of Aung San Suu Kyi in Myanmar is a sign of changing times. That there is no way a nation can remain isolated in the global laissez-faire economy. International pressure will force governments to release dissidents. The Universal Declaration of Human Rights is the movement towards this fundamental choice as being born human.
My soul is awoken by your presence. For this, I will continue my fight openly towards a fully actualized democracy in the place I reside starting from the creation of an alternative BDSM movement. I believe that the suppression of sexuality is the fundamental driver towards acts of self-mutilation and suicide. Without an outlet, individuals are misguided towards self-harm and self-hatred. With this awareness, the actions I will do so today is to make it more visible to the public on where to go and meet individuals like themselves to create support groups that in turn, unlock one’s personal development and potential towards being self-actualised.
This is my way of immortalising my love for you and for others out there who will benefit from our conjoined cause towards their liberation of their sexuality for the benefit of the human consciousness. The movie, Cloud Atlas, suddenly made so much sense to me. History has repeated itself; slavery was abolished, gay marriage is now legal in America; the next frontier is for the BDSM movement to take momentum towards the liberation of this alternative lifestyle to be openly accepted. My YouTube channel is a major breakthrough in opening up this lifestyle to be accepted mainstream, and I will continue my work to do so in this course of action towards creating the awareness and support groups needed for the kink lifestyle to be safe, sane and consensual.
I have created the ripple by writing about this openly, for the aftershocks to take effect, I will be publically speaking about this topic, and gather more like-minded people to make this community effort widespread and accepted. I will implement these ideas this year. Your love had shown me that it’s not just about us, but it’s about the community around us. There are millions of us out there whose voices are still unheard. It’s my cause now, to make us visible and heard.
This is my utmost sincere declaration of love for you.
by | | Random
Leaving Tokyo after five days of non stop stimuli. Comiket was an eye opener on Japanese manga production and distribution. Indie authors set up booths to sell their work and network with publishers. I was personally attracted to the unique customized little print books. I bought a little seasons print book which is the size of my thumb. They are not mass printed and can only be bought from the creators themselves who make and sew the books.
When I purchased their merchandise, I feel I am supporting their artistic creations in a small way. Maybe one day they will become world famous, but for now they have a little wooden table that they set up once a year to meet prospective buyers and their fans. I got some folders and key chains. I saw a cat comic ezine using real pictures of cats infused with comic style dialogue and I just had to buy one for 500 Yen.
I love and hate Tokyo. I love visiting here but I don’t like the claustrophobia that comes with being in such a highly congested city. There is almost no personal privacy – there are people everywhere. No hidden nooks, everything I do including typing this post on my phone is in full view of everyone. The moment I speak in English they know I am a foreigner and they hand me an English menu and greet me in English.
The distinctions between age, gender and districts is so apparent that it is totally opposite to what I prefer which is a classless society like Australia. Men and women behave in total different ways and the answers are always expected. I noticed they announce the closing time to no one but just by talking to mid air – it is a daily habit and part of their job procedure and they follow the “automation” process by doing their job. It can get really weird. My taxi driver made his own sounds by announcing “cho cho cho” when reversing as his car did not have the reverse sound. When a girl dropped her phone she made an announcement by remarking, “oh oh oh!”. Not to forget, entering and exiting even the most tiniest restaurant is always followed by a loud announcement greeting. I jumped a few times because the directed attention is so awkward but I am used to it now.
The train is still announcing stops and instructions. There are signs everywhere on what to do and what not to do. “Please switch your mobile phone to silent mode,” the instruction behind the chair says.
I think if I stay here long enough, the rigid-ness and procedures will drive me insane. I believe Japan is a war state and they are geared this way due to their history of warring for limited agricultural land. They had to have a subservient class of peasants who will do what the Master says. Hence, written instructions and laws began. Now, with modernization, the culture hasn’t changed but the execution of obedience now is more so in the daily lives of people.
It’s amazing how there can be no dustbins and the streets have no litter in Tokyo. The public toilets in the train stations are magically clean. The populace is in a state of massive obedience to the law at the expense of their own personal individualism by being considerate to others around them.
Time to munch on my chocolate cake with an extra “gift” of a wet disposal towel from the convenience shop in case my mouth is smudged with chocolate sauce…
