In this transient passage of time, we will meet others in our path. One thing for sure is that we are all going to die. What we make now from our journey to the point of death is the only thing that matters. From this blank state of canvas, what is the picture we will paint today for our reality? What is the world we will create around us?
I discovered through disappearing, that everything becomes nothing. Like a black hole, everything gets sucked into nothingness and dissipates. We inherently have the ability to disappear problems by recreating, reconstituting, reconstructing. The very act of disappearing is a black hole phenomenon. We have the ability to disappear and recreate, disappear and recreate. It is an ongoing what we declare in language that constitutes what happens next, next and next.
I never felt ready for the world, I held back and limited myself by letting my fears take over who I am. But who I am for the world is beyond who I am, I am ready to take flight, I am ready to disappear myself and reconstitute and recreate my reality by consideration. By consideration by waving a magic wand, I can create a life that contributes love, beauty and knowledge all over in all my interactions with others.
I had wound up being where I am today because of what I had inherited from my environment – a childhood surrounded by libraries and books, a competitive streak as a result of my teenage gaming years, a series of broken relationships due to my dysfunctional nature of being unable to receive love, a love for art and theater and travel from what I was exposed to. It is an inherited context that I wound up being where I am today as an author of two books, a YouTube channel with two million views and an entrepreneur.
I wound up being a dysfunctional solitary person who believes “I am not understood and the world is full of suffering.” that propels me to do what I do, without any need for recognition. I had doubled people’s incomes and set them onto their life path just by them having a conversation with me. There are layers upon layers most people are unable to confront, which I unwrap till it reaches the core before they are set free into a path of who they truly are.
In the process, I am disappearing myself completely by being there for others, in my community and the world. In the disappearance of myself, only can universalism arise. I am disappearing my need for validation, for the need of love, for the need of anything egotistical. I am disappearing myself, by being in the eyes of others.
In my disappearance, I am letting go of my need for a lover, my need for a soul mate, my needs for anyone to satisfy any of my wants. I am letting go of the loves in my life, and my broken past, my nightmares, my flashbacks, my pain and my pleasure.
I am fully engrossed in reality by being there for others, being the person I truly am. In my disappearance, I have broken out of the cocoon and I am free to soar the skies as a butterfly.
I had been called a “prolific writer” many times by numerous people I meet who stumble upon my blog. It is indeed my outlet of expression and space of introspection that I write out my thoughts to jump to the next frontier of my life. It is a series of propulsion that keeps me going and going. The moment I stop writing, my life comes to a standstill. By intellectualising the process, it helps to figure out what actions I want to take next.
As of today, I am almost 3/4 done on my first draft with the Purple Python. I have to admit this is the most powerful book I had written to date, the writing moves me. As well as my short story, The Prince (working title). I had realised that we will most likely never be together with the person that we love. I am giving up on attaching to the loves of my life and to live a life of solitude. My contribution to the world is not children, but the worlds that my writings create. I distinguished that even by being in a relationship or having children is for my self-gratification, but it may not be what I want or need.
I had experienced true love, and it lives on within me. I had sacrificed love, and it now exists outside me in spirit. I had sought for love, and it eludes me like a plague. For love is giving and letting go.
It is powerful to live a life of freedom without obligation to anyone or anything. It is powerful that I wake up daily before my alarm clock goes off, and write prolifically in a way I had never done before, just by letting go of all the baggage I had been holding on to. It is powerful to perform at my self-actualised self that connects with all instead of portraying a need for validation for my own ego. I am the source of empowerment to those around me, who have set off in different paths to find their actualized states.
Who I am for the world – I am the creator of worlds and source of empowerment for world leadership.
I am fully complete with all the loves of my life. For this, I am able to write in a way that I had no access to before. I had never written about love powerfully. But in the Purple Python, it’s different, it moves me. I read some of the parts I wrote, and I am shocked. I am shocked that I could be so expressive. For so long I numbed myself to the emotion of love, and now it flows like a river. It’s amazing that just by letting go, so much could come into my life.
There is so much love I have to give to this world, and I am going to be the prolific writer that I am meant to be.
I was having a discussion with a friend yesterday about human beings, that we have no fixed way of being. We can be happy, sad or angry the next moment. We are not a stationary or a fixed object like a chair but a human being that moves from state to another dynamically. Hence, there is an ability for us to continuously reinvent and restructure how we want to create life to be around us at any moment, it is for us to create life the way it mirrors back at us. Of course, life is about parallels and mirrors and echoes, for we create each other based on our interactions with each other.
In the context of which, it is questionable as well. For example, if we are living in an African tribe, polygamy is the norm. But we grew up in a culture where monogamy is the norm due to the social construct based on the media and society that portrays one man to one woman. However, in hunter gather tribes based on anthropology research, humans are a polygamous species. Inherently there is really nothing wrong with having multiple partners in an African tribe, but society views it as wrong in modern societies. It is a perception based on construct and it really is up to us to construct our reality based on what we want to create.
As we are a highly evolved species that has the ability to contemplate and think about our failures and past and future, it creates hesitation towards moving forward. There is a stuckness to what people want to get, they are stuck by what they deem as circumstances, fear of failure and thoughts that exist within but are unreal thoughts. It’s only by going past the failure conversation that one can move towards performance in all areas of life.
I am moving towards being dynamic in all areas of my life – dance, writing, videos, business, relationships and taking on being organised ( although I am extremely messy by default, I can move towards being consciously neat and tidy). My schedule of video production is out on http://thescarletqueen.com and that will be my structure in place to fulfil my promises to the world.
It is not easy to write 1500 words a day. To achieve that, I have to listen to music on loop. I have to clear all unspoken communications before writing. I have to set a date and time to do something to get it out of my head, no matter how trivial it is like doing the laundry. There is a level of performance required to concentrate with being intentional. But I am not always successful in my clearing, sometimes I do hit the word count goal, sometimes I get derailed.
I learnt a distinction that has a tremendous impact on my writings: disappearing. When I write not as myself, and disappear my identity, a new self emerges on page. That self is the universal self, and it no longer contains any of my fears or my wants. It contains universality in the form of a language that speaks to all and not only me. If I write as myself, it would be corrupted and disjointed and non linear. It makes total no sense and it is nonsensical. The moment I disappear myself – my fears are gone. My writings are clear. It contains a new found clarity and freedom of expression on page.
When I write not as myself, but as the universal self that connects to all – there is a flow of words that I would otherwise be unable to materialize. I am expressing myself not as my identity, but who I am. There is a difference between my identity and who I am. My identity contains past based experiences and it will come up to survive or protect me. But who I am as my word is a different way of being – it is about holding myself to my word and not allowing my identity to survive what I truly stand and believe in.
“Authenticity is being and acting consistent with who you hold yourself out to be for others, and who you hold yourself to be for yourself. When leading, being authentic leaves you grounded, and able to be straight with yourself, and straight with others without using force.” Being a Leader and The Effective Exercise of Leadership (https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1238158)
When I am who I am as my word the self that emerges is a new way of being and acting that is consistent on who I hold myself out to be. To be a world renowned author in 2021 is my word. This is what I am holding myself out to be as my word, and the self that is emerging right now is to be authentic about my relationships. I am keeping myself accountable to my family and friends and them, keeping me accountable to what I am aspiring to be as my word. There is a new found power and freedom of my self expression in this “holding out to be” phenomenon.
In the face of no agreement, I can create new possibilities by being authentic about what is working and not working. I can create new contexts by being an architect of my reality and dreams. I can live anywhere in the world and even if I am physically handicapped, I will still be my word.
When I am in my daily life, daily routines, daily clothes. I am just one of the many people in their usual lives. There is no calling forth, or purpose. There is just an emptiness, a void vacant state of aimlessness.
Today I discovered, after listening to Time by Hans Zimmer, that my being has been called forth powerfully to write for the world and I had been inauthentic by running away from this purpose. I had been inauthentic about myself by enrolling into business school instead of pursuing humanities. I had been inauthentic in my business dealings, and I had closed my consultancy firm as of last year. Although I was a high performing business consultant, it bought me no fulfillment. Although I could travel with no abandon, it bought me no answers. Although I had visited most of the museums of the world, I am not closer to creating my legacy.
As of now, I will write daily with no excuses, reasons or justifications on why I am running from this path of creative self-expression. Eventually, my physical self will decay and what is left is my writings as my sole contribution to the world. There is no one who is committedly listening to the importance of my books, but I will be creating that this is of a high importance to humanity that I pass on my knowledge to the world before my time is an end. My relationships are not working the way it could be, and I am causing through being honest about it to create love, affinity, joy and happiness.
The cause bigger than myself is creating a new context of sexuality for the world. My writings communicate that sexuality should be open and not censored the way it is in the modern world. The new possibility I am bringing forth is an openness in sexuality will result in a decline in violence, war, and depression. My intention will be clearly communicated in my short stories with these themes that I will release by this year.
To achieve this goal, I will write daily with no excuses and work on my books to completion. I will find distribution channels and be open to publicity although I am shy and I have a bodily sensation of running away from the public view. I will do this as my stand for the greater community. Through my leadership, I am the direct cause of others around me taking up positions of leadership to end suffering in this world.
This is my word and declaration as who I am for the world.
There is an advice that I hold close to my heart, which is – “the path of a great performer is to know thyself.”
I am terrible at knowing myself. I make many mistakes when it comes my own life. I say what I don’t mean, and I am just bad with communicating with humans. After all, I only had books as my friends and I grew up almost like a mute. I had no one to talk to as an only child. My maid accompanied me everywhere but she hardly spoke to me. She told me to keep quiet and not ask too much questions. I could only find answers in books.
Teachers could not answer my questions. My classmates thought I was weird. In between my textbooks I would scribble poetry and stories I had invented. I spent hours in the library, consoled my sadness in the joy of reading. I could get lost in faraway worlds and places that I would never have the opportunity to go to.
In high school, my essays were passed around and read out aloud by teachers. They loved my writings. So much so they got them duplicated to be read by the teachers in the humanities department. When I dropped out of completing arts college, I buried in my old identity and renamed myself to prevent anyone from recognizing who I was. For years I kept this blog and did not wish for people to find it. I continued to write, publish and submit my essays for circulation under different pen names. I went by different names in social settings till I lost who I was. I took the most unordothox route to study business and abandoned my education in humanities to seek a different path of redemption. Maybe I am not a writer, I a business person. Maybe I am not a starving artist, but an independent artist. These conflicts plagued my soul and I was further and further away from who I was.
Still I did not know myself, and I am so afraid to say it but actually I hardly have a clue who am I. I had tried all sorts of ways to try to find out my family ancestry, travel, spend time with my grandparents. But this is something I could not get. To me, I am a shadow of myself. There is a blankness when I try to dig out who I really am. My visions turns blank and my voice is silent. In my dreams there is a shadow self that tries to kill me every night and it ends in bloodshed. Sometimes I am drowning in a deep sea with a rock tied on my ankle. Sometimes I am in a dark alley way and attacked by multiple shadows.
On sweet blissful nights I am on the beach with my lover under the stars. The waves are crashing on our feet. We are rolling in the sand, our tongues entwined. The sea sweeps us in under and we are submerged in the ocean depths. No one knows who we are. No one knows where we were. It was just the two of us in this embrace. The next moment, he is torn away from me by the forces of gravity that sinks him into the abyss. He disappears and I am left alone in this universe. I was not defined by having a lover, and having a lover did not allow me to know who I was. He had to leave me for me to discover I am whole and complete as I am.
Why am I tearing at this point? In my realisation it is true. I am born alone, and I will die alone. I will never be understood no matter how much I wanted to be understood. I will never be who I want to be, time will consume me before I could accomplish my life work. I will never know who I am. I am evolving each day and the person whom I knew I was yesterday is gone today. Like a butterfly that takes flight, I am flying without a clue of what I was in the past.
It struck me today – there is no fixed way of being. Who we are each day changes and grows and evolves as experiences colour and coats our actions and speech. Who am I today is determined by one thing only – a declaration of who I am to the world.
I had been reading content on transformation. That transformation is a new way of being. By shifting the context, new actions and new possibilities arise. A declaration I would like to undertake is to be a world renown author. In my invention of this new possibility, is to take new actions to make it happen. It means publishing more books, going to more events, talking to more people in the industry. I would undertake this project from March onwards. I will reach this milestone by 2020.
It has dawned on me most of what we do does not really matter. No matter how much wealth, fame, and resources I could possibility accumulate in my lifetime, it would be the quality of relationships around me that is most important. My books would be read and enjoyed by millions of readers around the world. That what people on their deathbeds regret most is not to pursue their passions and dreams, and invest in their friendships.
I realised at this point I had been working so hard on my business that I am losing sight of what I am really passionate, which is writing, dancing and acting. I dread the start of any creative endeavor, there is a resistance that seeps in and prevents me from taking the first step in the heavy rain. Once overcoming the resistance, it becomes fun and I flow into the joy of creation. Of course, the next day the resistance comes back again and I am banging my head against the wall. But I know by doing this daily, I am evolving and breaking out of my old self to my new invented self of who I aspire to be. Soon, my creations will be enjoyed by the world as it’s beauty takes flight.
I am writing the Purple Python, the third book in the Hourglass Series using the tried and tested 90 Day novel by Alan Watts. It has worked magic, and when I read the guide; I get new ideas, new discoveries and new questions that my subconscious wants to emerge on page.
On Day 12 of the 90 Day Novel, it is about Freedom.
“The swan still wants to belong, but it is only in recognizing the impossibility of ever belonging with the ducks that she can find the other swans. Freedom might be the willingness to choose one’s dreams over some idea of security.”
Then a revelation hit me – I am joining the swans! I don’t have to fit into any organisation, or be anything or prove anything to anyone or a group of people. I just have to be me and find my own tribe of independent writers and artists who are out there creating art for the stake of creation and advancing the consciousness of humanity.
It would be nice to feel belonged to an organisation or group of people, but it is not necessary if their ideals don’t fit with mine, and I can’t fit in no matter how hard I try. All I have to do is surrender to the fact that I am just not suited for a hierarchical organisation as it stifles my creativity. Maybe even getting an agent or publishing house for my series is a bad idea as I am doing a fairly okay job being an indie. All I have to do is create and create and create and eventually the readership will come, and my words will resonate with those who feel the same way about life.
I am happy with my results at the end of 2016: 2 million videos on YouTube for the Scarlet Queen Channel with 48 videos released, publication of Blue Orca and The Chase, increase in revenue for my business, and spending lots of quality time with family and friends especially my grandparents.
The cities I had visited this year: Hong Kong, Bangkok, Macau, Shanghai, Hangzhou, Tokyo, Osaka, Kyoto. Met and interacted with amazing people from around the world. Attended the Thrillerfest in New York and met great writers like Heather Graham and Lee Child upclose. Set up monthly donations to good causes.
My calendar is fully packed for 2017 and I look forward to visiting more cities, more seminars, more books, more writing, more revenue, and more connections with people. My patreon minions makes it possible for my artistry to continue, and the Scarlet Queen Channel wouldn’t be possible without their generosity and support. More to come in 2017!
of time, we will meet others in our path. One thing for sure is that we are all going to die. What we make now from our journey to the point of death is the only thing that matters. From this blank state of canvas, what is the picture we will paint today for our reality? What is the world we will create around us?
