{"id":2835,"date":"2015-06-15T20:10:20","date_gmt":"2015-06-15T20:10:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.averral.com\/blog\/?p=2835"},"modified":"2015-06-16T03:30:54","modified_gmt":"2015-06-16T03:30:54","slug":"snuff-broken","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.averral.com\/blog\/2015\/06\/snuff-broken\/","title":{"rendered":"Snuffed Broken"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Another stupid night that my pillow is wet again. Why can’t I just snuff out my tears like a candle? It is pouring like the rain.<\/p>\n

How I feel – sometimes I can’t answer that question. I feel so distant so dissociative so third party point of view that it is hard to relate with any empathy.<\/p>\n

I feel so despondent. The hopelessness equates more than the sadness. Or maybe it’s the sum of the whole equation because sadness is not even felt when hope has been blanked out like how liquid paper erases ink.<\/p>\n

Hopelessness.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Is a more accurate word for how I feel because it has come to a point there is no longer sadness that I feel when my tears pour it’s like just an mechanised fountain of tears without a stop button and nothing more.<\/p>\n

There are no more emotions left in my voice except anger. Maybe a sprinkle of d\u00e9sappointement. My keyboard is going haywire with fran\u00e7ais. Trying to join a series of disconnected parts as a disjointed whole. Mending the shards of of a glass case with super glue. That’s what I am – broken.<\/p>\n

Broken.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Maybe before I die I might see the clear blue sky at the cliffs again. And the laughing children at the playground by the beach. That renewed sense of wonder and amazement of what life could possibly be.<\/p>\n

But of course it never happened.
\nThat happy ending seems more and more
\nElusive with each passing day as I drift
\nFurther and further away from feeling
\nAnything but nothing at all.<\/p>\n

Hope.<\/strong><\/p>\n

I really want to hope. Like how a child believes fairies exist – I want to believe in the smallest of sense that hope exist in a fairytale world we could have created together.<\/p>\n

But of course it is all gone now.
\nAll empty. Now, I do not believe in fairies
\nnor hope.<\/p>\n

It has been too close
\nAnd forcefully removed
\nToo many times<\/p>\n

That it is only after so much times
\nYou begin to lose the faith.<\/p>\n

And maybe being alone
\nWith no hope of the future is a better outcome than
\nhaving any faith at all and being disappointed once again if it all doesn’t come true.<\/p>\n

My diamond has been cracked.
\nInto shards that only reflected mirages.<\/p>\n

I offer no hope
\nbut only pain and pleasure.
\nThat’s all it is.<\/p>\n

That’s all it is.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Another stupid night that my pillow is wet again. Why can’t I just snuff out my tears like a candle? It is pouring like the rain. How I feel – sometimes I can’t answer that question. I feel so distant so dissociative so third party point of view that it is hard to relate with […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[366],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\t\n