I had written and compiled a poetry book called The Chase which I am intending to release soon on Amazon. The Chase is essentially about my infatuation and loving term loving relationship with science. To put it precisely – physics. When I was a child, I was intrigued by a computer game about the solar planets in our galaxy. I was drawn to the concept of time on our planet – we have 365 days in a year as that’s the amount of time it takes for a planet to orbit the sun. For other planets, they may take days or years to orbit the sun, and if a human is born another planet we would age differently.
I would say I am an atheist at this stage of my life. I have no religion. As Stephen Hawking says in an interview, “”Before we understand science, it is natural to believe that God created the universe. But now science offers a more convincing explanation. What I meant by ‘we would know the mind of God’ is, we would know everything that God would know, if there were a God, which there isn’t. I’m an atheist.” In my opinion at this stage of my life, science provides the answer to our existence in the grand scheme of the universe. My dad is an atheist as well. God, by definition is our interpretation of it.
“To love another person is to see the face of God.” Victor Hugo
I had expanded on my definition on God to include everything in the universe. To me, that makes perfect sense. When I have a spiritual experience, it is my connection with humanity and all that encompasses in it. Averral is an angelic name bestowed to me by angels on the milky way. My angels in the cosmic flow are watching over me on my journey of creation. I am empowered to make a difference by tapping into the reservoir of possibilities.
In The Chase, it is about my love hate relationship with time. Time will eventually rob us of everything as we know it. My dad says that time stops when one enters the black hole. Death of a galaxy happens when it enters a black hole. All things that start will come to an end. On the book cover of The Chase, I had chosen a picture of a black hole. When writing those poems, I was contemplating about the meaning of life and what is the point of living when it all comes to a definite end. Is our life sole mission to procreate? Or create new worlds that we would never imagine possible? What is it really?
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I breathe you in everyday, looking for you in all directions, searching, searching. Your jovial smile, your deep bass voice, your scarred back, your tasty lips… you taught me how to kiss, do you remember? On that night, and the nights after, I could only think of you on the pier, the cascading waves sweeping us into the sea, bodies entwined in nature’s embrace, the nicotine infused adrenaline high of the wild chase.
At that moment, if the world ended, I would have died with no regrets. You showed me that living dangerously on the edge of the death… was living life at the fullest.
I saw your car crashing on the highway as you disappeared into the other side of the veil… my memories began fragmenting, my soul cracked into pieces, my identity – who am I?
The image on the wall you told me to be, the image on the wall, I became. I will never see myself in the mirror, for I only see you looking back at me.
One day, I will see you in that boardroom… right there beside you…
As lovers, as equals as your wildest imagination… I do not know
I am trying to find you in midst the darkness… in the lines of hope I thread daily
Your shadow appears and disappears, filtering in and out of my dreams
You are haunting me endlessly with your addictive smell and sweet seduction
I want to kiss you, but you would only tease me endlessly with your touch
When I try to breathe you in… you walk away before walking back towards me
and pulling me towards you, before letting me go… as I collapse onto the floor
you knelt down beside me, gently whispering softly in my ear,
“If you want me… you can have it… if only you give me your freedom.”
You covered me in your cloak, as you kissed me wildly, bringing me to the top of the world
before you disappear once again.
Low. and low. the gnawing feeling in my chest, hunger, yet, full. the milky taste of dark chocolates, melting, into my tongue, imagining the kiss of lovers, when i look at lovers, imagining, I am in the heels of the girl, receiving his touch. imagining, my happiness, imagining my loss. feeling my sadness, that, that girl is not me. appalled, yet, contradicted with contentment, knowing you are happy.
Moving towards you like gravity, yet pulling apart before the waves hit the beach. Screaming in pain, beyond all redemption, beyond all hope. The disappointment, the disappointment of a dreamer, a dreamer who believes in transcendent love. A believer who has lost hope. The critique that glorifies suffering. A passion that is burning dry, without air, there will be no fuel for the flames of desire. There is nothing left, except a sinkhole, that one can ever crawl out, the more you struggle, the deeper you are sucked in, like a trap, that has no escape. deeper and deeper, into the rabbit hole….
at breaking point. at the lowest point ever, and the extreme pain that eats from inside, intensified with the most severe of disappointments. Its only forward now, we can only try to change our circumstance can’t we? Why cry, when the trees can’t hear you crying. Why weep, when there are worse crap out there. Why have hope, when there is only hopelessness left?
why bother, when no one else bothers. why fly, when no one can fly with you, or even, watch you fly while they are below? why even try, when it does not make a difference, big or small, it is still the same, we are just … human. our achievements are not forever, its only temporal. why laugh, when no one sees you laughing, why be sad, when you can be happy. maybe, our emotions are lying to us, that it is all an illusion, a temporary illusion, that will go away, with time. all that we had fought for, will be erased, with time, our lineage, and heritage, to be replaced with the new and modern, our world is no longer ours, but someone else, we all play our parts, as actors and dancers, but the real puppet master, is the one behind the veil.
why try when trying is futile.
Ayumi Hamasaki – BALLAD (translated lyrics)
I woke up in the middle of a dream
My eyelashes were wet
The words I remembered are
“I beg you, please don’t go”
This growing feeling for you
My respect and adoration
Are always unshakable
* The red sky at sunset today
was tender like you
I shouted that it wasn’t a dream this time
“Please don’t go”
The memories don’t disappear
But neither increase
The words I’m allowed to say are
“I beg you, please stay with me”
Maybe, I can no longer hold on
Just by pretending to be strong
My love can’t be removed
Just by being held down
** The moonlight tonight
Is the guide you gave to me
Your back is too far and I can no more see it
“Please stay with me”
She is releasing a novel (Hourglass Series) yearly and weekly YouTube videos. She does experimental flash fiction on this blog, along with song, movies and character analysis using historical and literature references.
One Million Views on Scarlet Queen YouTube (2015)